Celebrate Home School In Jakarta Indonesia

“The first real choice a human baby must make is whether to trust or mistrust other humans. This basic trust-versus-mistrust stage is the first building block upon which all later love relationships are formed."

- Dr. Ken Magid
 

1. Fall in love with your baby through a positive birthing experience for baby, mother, and father. Then strengthen that love by breastfeeding your child until he or she no longer needs it.¹

2. Keep your baby with you as much as possible. Separations and changing caretakers make it harder for your child to learn trust and to grow into a loving and trusting adult.²

3. Breastfeed your baby until he or she no longer needs it.³ Breastmilk contains immune mechanisms which help keep your baby healthy. Any other food, even sugar water, permanently destroys many of these important substances. A healthy baby is a joy!

4. Share sleep with your baby. This makes nighttime parenting easier and can help prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Your child’s need for your presence does not magically disappear at bedtime.

5. Respond quickly and compassionately to your baby’s cries, both day and night, -- reassures him that he is important to you. Picking up your baby will not “spoil” him. Carrying him increases brain cell connections. You can’t love a baby too much!

6. Breastfeeding has many benefits for babies, and it’s also good for mothers. A nursing mother produces hormones which help her to be patient and loving, making parenting easier.

7. Remember that punishment teaches violence, destroys self-esteem, creates anger, interferes with learning, and damages the relationship between parent and child. “People are not for hitting, and kids are people too!”⁴

8. Allow your child’s sense of trust plenty of time to grow strong before having a new baby to claim your attention. A three or four year spacing between children reaps enormous emotional benefits for each child.⁵

9. A breastfeeding mother and her infant share sleep cycles and dream in unison, so the mother is less likely to be awakened by her baby during dreams or deep sleep. A refreshed mother is a patient mother!

10. “Bad behavior” is a sign that a child’s basic needs have not been met. Remember to give your children undivided attention, eye contact, and touching, and try to see things from their point of view.

11. A close bond between mother and child, naturally achieved through breastfeeding, holding, and shared sleep, is the best prevention of child abuse.

12. The best gifts you can give your child are your time, patience, and understanding.
 

"Treat all others as you would like to be treated yourself."

The Golden Rule has proved its excellence as a moral guide since ancient times. Greek and Jewish thinkers, Confucius, Jesus, and other teachers of ethics all taught this rule, which is called "golden" to indicate it's revered place as the ultimate rule of life. What better teaching can we utilize in our day-to-day approach to parenting? A variation of the Golden Rule for parents would be "Treat your child as you would like to be treated if you were in the same position."

It might be illuminating to apply this "Parenting Golden Rule" to several common methods of discipline, by considering the case of a husband and wife in the "same position" as that of children being disciplined in various ways.

1. Physical Punishment

The wife accidentally spills coffee on her husband's new jacket. He hits her.

Will the wife be more careful with his belongings in the future? Or might she have him arrested for spousal abuse?

2. Time-out

The husband starts to argue with a visiting friend. The wife tells him "It's not nice to argue with your friend! I won't have this! Go sit in the bedroom for half an hour!"

Will the husband become less argumentative? Will the embarrassment of the situation set him straight? Will he feel like apologizing to his friend?

3. Consequences

The wife is out driving, forgets to fill the tank, and runs out of gas. She phones her husband to ask him to take his car to buy some gas and bring it to her. He refuses, explaining that she has to learn from "natural consequences" to be more responsible.

The next time the tank is low, will the wife remember to get it filled? Or will she be too preoccupied with fantasies of divorce to think about less important matters like car maintenance?

4. Counting

The wife reminds her husband, who is reading the newspaper after dinner, that it's his turn to do the dishes. He murmurs, "Mm hmm," and keeps on reading. The wife says, firmly "You have to do the dishes now! 10-9-8-7..."

Will the husband then feel like cooperating with his wife? Or will he conclude that he's married a lunatic? And would he feel the least bit loved?

All of these disciplinary methods look ridiculous when viewed in this way. But the reason for this is that our society at some point decided that children and adults respond to others according to different principles of behavior. This has been a very harmful mistake. The truth is that children, like adults, feel most like cooperating with those who treat them with kindness, respect, understanding, and dignity. The only "method" that makes sense in a humane relationship - whether with a child or an adult - is unconditional love.

In our society, we have been asking the wrong question. We have asked, "Which set of rules work with children, and which set works with adults?" The reality is, happily, far simpler: all humans behave as well as they are treated. Age makes no difference.

Parents wanting to help their children grow to be loving and responsible adults can do no better than to remember the Parenting Golden Rule: "Treat your child as you would like to be treated if you were in the same position." It's simple, straightforward, and effective. And we don't need to spend any time finding out what age someone is before consulting this rule. One size fits all.

In a recent letter to the editor of a local paper, the writer expressed a common complaint: several children had neglected to say "thank you" for the Halloween treats she had given them. She further suggested that the words themselves are the most important consideration, and that parents should resort to force, if necessary, to extract them.

It is natural to feel hurt when it seems that our kindness is being taken for granted. But maybe we should look a little deeper, especially when it comes to children.

As I see it, there are two entirely different reasons a child would say "thank you". One child may thank us because she is genuinely appreciative of our kindness, and has heard many expressions of gratitude within her own family (especially gratitude expressed to her).

Another child may say "thank you", but be merely mouthing empty words out of fear of punishment. Behavior based on fear, with little understanding of the meaning behind the ritual, means little. Such behavior is not only meaningless, it is futile, as it fails to accomplish what we are seeking. It may also create an unfortunate connection between the giving of thanks and feelings of embarrassment and pressure.

With threats of punishment, we may force a child to say "thank you", but we can’t force the genuine courtesy that we really want. True kindness grows within a child when she is treated kindly. It cannot be forced into her heart by forcing words into her mouth. Besides, where is the joy in hearing "the magic words" spoken submissively by a frightened child? All words lose their magic if they aren't spoken from the heart.

The educator John Holt once described a "real" thank you which he had received spontaneously from a young friend as a "lovely little present in words, full of pleasure, affection, and gratitude." He goes on to say that: "As far as I can remember, this was the first time she had ever said ‘thank you’ to me ... This little person has never been told to say ‘thank you’. So why did she say it to me, if no one has told her to? How did she learn it? Because we adults always say ‘thank you’ to her, and because she hears us saying it to one another. By keen observation she has picked it up that when people do something nice for each other, it is a little gift of love, and the one receiving the gift gives a little gift back. Since she wants to do what we do, she did the same thing. In time, it will become as natural as breathing."

Holt continued, "How different from another kind of scene, which I have witnessed more times than I care to remember: A child gazes on his gift, lost in pleasure, excitement and curiosity, when an adult voice says, often in a scolding or angry tone, ‘What do you say?’ The child is snatched out of his world of awe and pleasure and is suddenly made to feel guilty and ashamed. He hears what he understands very well as a threat - if he doesn't say ‘thank you’, something bad will happen to him. So, all pleasure gone, possibly even hating the present that has put him in this painful situation, he grudgingly and sullenly says ‘thank you’."

At Halloween, children go to some effort too, carefully selecting their new identity, getting dressed up, and walking for an hour or more. How many of us bother to say, "Thank you for showing me your costume"? This is more than a question of fairness, but also of helpfulness, because genuine courtesy comes most of all through imitation. Children learn to treat others with kindness by observing the adults around them doing kind things, and by having explanations, respectfully given, of the reasons for the behaviors we prefer.

Instead of complaining about rudeness in children, we should remember that children behave as well as they are treated, and as well as they see us treating each other.

________

"How can anything outwardly command us that has not first inwardly claimed us?"  - Author unknown

"You never listen to me" is a complaint heard as often from children as parents. Good communication helps children and parents to develop confidence, feelings of self-worth, and good relationships with others. Try these tips:

• Teach children to listen…gently touch a child before you talk…say their name.
• Speak in a quiet voice…whisper sometimes so children have to listen…they like this.
• Look children in the eyes so you can tell when they understand…bend or sit down…become the child’s size.
• Practice listening and talking; talk with your family about what you see on TV, hear on the radio or see at the park or store. (Talk with your children about school and their friends.)
• Respect children and use a courteous tone of voice. If we talk to our children as we would our friends, our youngsters may be more likely to seek us out as confidants.
• Catch children and teens being good. Praise them for cooperating with you or their siblings, or for doing those little things that are so easy to take for granted.
• Use door openers that invite children to say more about an incident or their feelings. "I see," "Oh," "Tell me more," "No kidding," "Really," "Mmmhmmmm," "Say that again, I want to be sure I understand you."
• Praise builds a child’s confidence and reinforces communication. Unkind words tear children down and teach them that they just aren’t good enough.
• Children are never too old to be told they are loved. Saying "I love you" is important. Writing it in a note provides the child with a reminder that he can hold on to.
• Give your undivided attention when your child wants to talk to you. Don’t read, watch TV, fall asleep or make yourself busy with other tasks.
• Watch TV, fall asleep or make yourself busy with other tasks.

 

"With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."

- Desiderata (author unknown)

A baby wakes during the night. It is dark and she is frightened. Her mother reaches over to give her a hug; she is reassured that she is safe and secure. She smiles and returns to sleep.

A toddler falls and hurts his knee. It starts to bleed, which alarms him. His father comforts him and gently washes the wound. He happily goes back to play.

A ten-year-old is saddened when her pet dies. Her grandmother consoles her and validates her feelings. She is still sad but better able to cope with her loss.

What do all of these interactions have in common? In each case, a child has been reassured that they are safe and secure; that they are loved. All children are new to our world and need constant reassurance of their safety and well-being, much as we would if we were suddenly to find ourselves on a strange planet that we knew little about.

The recent terrorist attacks in New York and Washington have engendered fear in all the citizens of the free world. Naturally, our children are the most susceptible to these fears. If it is difficult for us to make sense of the reasons for such a disaster, it is virtually impossible for a child to comprehend them. What can we do to reassure our children that they are safe, when we ourselves feel so vulnerable?

If we think about the ways in which we reassure our children each day, we can see that what is needed in this situation is not really different in nature but in scope. We need to provide even more reassurance that our children are safe and secure, and let them know that there is still much that is good in the world.

Parents can tell their children of the many ways in which our government and other governments around the world are working to protect us. In a way, we are safer than ever before, as government officials and security personnel work hard to ensure our safety. We can reassure our children that the world is full of beauty and good. We have ample proof within the tragedies themselves, of innumerable heroic and humane actions by rescue workers and ordinary citizens. We can help our children to express their feelings in words and pictures.

We can remember that it is normal to have generalized fears after such a horrifying experience, and to give extra love and attention to our children for as long as it takes to help them heal. We can let them know by our words and actions that they are protected by those they have come to depend on for their safety. If we find this difficult because we ourselves feel insecure, we can at least know that we are not alone. We can seek reassurance for ourselves by sharing our fears with each other, and expressing our love for each other. We can focus on all that is good and beautiful in this world. We can remind ourselves of Kahlil Gibran’s words: "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

It will not be easy for any American, of any age, to heal from this trauma. But healing requires hope and reminders of all that is good in our lives. We can remind our children of the many courageous firemen who gave their lives while rescuing others, of the long lines of blood donors in every city of the country, of the ballpark restaurant workers who baked cookies for blood donors when the game was postponed, and of the outpouring of sympathy and offers of help from around the globe. We can tell our children that even tragedies can inspire acts of courage and remind all of us to cherish those we share our lives with. We can let them know that every one of the farewell messages from those trapped in the towers and on the planes included the "three little words" that we sometimes forget to tell each other. We can tell our children - and show them in our day-to-day actions - how deeply we care for them and how fiercely we would protect them if they are ever faced with danger.

Most of all, we can let our children know that life always finds a balance, that love ultimately prevails, and that we are not alone in facing these challenges. We can tell them that these attacks failed in their mission to weaken an open and trusting society, and instead have inspired bravery, love, and connection. We have learned that America is not alone in this world any more than our child is alone in our family.

The World Trade Centers were struck because they were a symbol of American prosperity. What the terrorists didn’t know, and what we need to tell our children, is that America’s true prosperity is not found in buildings, it is found in the hearts and minds of all who live here. Ironically, the events have jolted many into a keener appreciation for all that is good in our lives.

Like the Grinch who discovered that "Christmas doesn’t come from a store", we have been reminded in no uncertain terms that if we have our lives and loved ones, we have great riches. We have been reminded to express our love for each other more often. We have learned first-hand how terrible it is for innocent people to fall victim to acts of rage. We have learned how important it is to be mindful of our children’s sensibilities. We have learned that it is not just in extraordinary times, but on ordinary days as well, that when we comfort our children, we are teaching them to have faith in life's blessings.

We have seen that children can be raised to take joy in the suffering of others - or they can be raised to find peaceful solutions to conflict and dissension. Let us raise our children to take joy in the happiness of others, and in doing so, find the truest form of happiness for themselves.

In recent years, several writers have recommended that parents abstain from praise as well as criticism. They see praise as a form of parental manipulation of the child’s behavior - more subtle than blame and criticism, but harmful nonetheless. I have certainly seen parents using praise in this way. But I have also seen it take place in a way that I consider normal and healthy. After much thought and discussion with colleagues, I’ve come to believe that avoidance of praise in toto is "throwing the baby out with the bathwater". While we should refrain from harmful, artificial kinds of praise, there does exist a more genuine variety that springs from the heart in a joyful way, and that gives our children what they most need: our genuine loving support.

In discussions like this, it is essential to define one’s terms. By "artificial praise", I mean words that are used deliberately with the intention of reinforcing a specific behavior, toward a goal that is the parents’, and not necessarily the child’s.

Examples:

"Tell Grandma thank-you. Good girl!"

"Be a good boy and give your sister the toy... good for you!"

By "genuine praise" I mean loving words that arise spontaneously and warmly from the parent’s heart, without any thought of manipulation of the child’s behavior.

Examples:

"Wow! What a beautiful card you made for me! Thank you!"

"Oh, you swept the floor! What a nice surprise!"

The key difference between these two kinds of praise is our intention. Are we simply expressing feelings of delight in the present moment, or is it our intention to train the child’s future behavior by the careful giving and withholding of our approval? Obviously, if we mete out love and approval to our children when they are "good", and withhold it when they are "bad", we are taking serious liberties with our power over them. We are also giving the same harmful message that all punishment gives: the child is loved conditionally, when and only when he or she meets with our approval. It is every parent’s responsibility to avoid this kind of manipulation. But in trying to avoid it, if we are then afraid to voice any positive statements, and withhold our true selves, we are missing the chance to have a genuine relationship with our child. In a sense, we are no longer fully present to the child. In so doing, we may be giving up some of the most joyous moments in any relationship: the spontaneous words and gestures that celebrate the love and joy between us.

My son is 15 and has brought me nothing but...

"Trouble?"

I thought you'd say that! No, my son is 15 and has brought me nothing but joy.

"You're kidding! How did you do that?"

I am proud of my son but, unfortunately, I cannot take personal credit. His father and I were simply fortunate enough, after a some missteps at the start, to read insightful parenting books and magazines, and to explore parenting issues with knowledgeable and compassionate friends. Today he is the most caring, thoughtful, and generous person I know.

"Tell me, please! What did you do?"

Well, we did everything we were told by society not to do. He slept next to us, breastfed for several years, was never punished, threatened, bullied, or teased, and was allowed to express anger as well as happiness...

"Oh, you spoiled him?"

Well, let's examine that word. The dictionary defines "spoil" as "to cause to demand or expect too much by overindulgence." In my dictionary, this is the third definition. It mirrors the common usage of this word in our society. This definition denotes a cause and effect: overindulgence, it says, causes spoiling. But is this belief true? Or does this definition merely represent a widespread misunderstanding of the true nature of children's behavior? A definition that would be accurate in terms of the way children actually learn and react is the first one listed: "to damage or injure, to destroy."

What actually spoils a child, what actually damages, injures, and destroys vital qualities in the child are the other choices of parental behavior: punishment, separation, and rejection. These experiences spoil a child's inborn sense of trust, capacity to love, creativity, and potential for joy. Robbing a child of these treasures is surely one of the most harmful acts a human can perform.

"So the proof is in the pudding?"

Exactly. Adolf Hitler was frequently and severely abused in childhood. As an adult, he expressed the anguish and pain of those years in ways that brought about misery and suffering for millions. By comparison, Albert Einstein was cherished by his parents. His mother was accused of "spoiling" him. Yet Einstein became not only one of the world's greatest scientists, but a most gentle, caring man, deeply concerned about social issues.

"Where do I find the kind of information which helped you?"

Read Compleat Mother, Empathic Parenting, or Mothering magazines. Talk with midwives. Meet with caring mothers in La Leche League and other breastfeeding support groups. Read books by Alice Miller, Joseph Chilton Pearce, Tine Thevenin, and John Holt. Meditate and listen to what your heart tells you. Truly believe that your baby will let you know what is right... and what is wrong.

"How can a baby tell me this?"

Babies come into the world with perfect love and trust. They do not suspect, mistrust, play mind games, doubt motives, or in any way cloud communication unless and until this trust is betrayed by such painful experiences as punishment, rejection, and separation. A baby's smiles and tears are the most potent form of communication on this planet.

"What about the mistakes I've already made?"

There are no perfect parents. While we have all made mistakes, punishing ourselves is no more effective or reasonable than punishing our children. Loving ourselves and understanding that we have done as well as we could have with the information and inner strength we had at that moment, is as important as loving and understanding our children. All we can do is put forth the love that we feel, recognize the critical importance of parenting, and continue to discover compassionate ways of relating to the children we are blessed with.

"What are the most important things a parent should know?"

Two things: First, in our society, it is assumed that children and adults, for some unexplained reason, operate on two separate and distinct principles of behavior. We adults know that we behave at our best toward those who treat us with kindness, patience, and understanding. Yet children are presumed to behave in the opposite way; that is, behave best toward those who threaten, punish, and humiliate them. If we try to pinpoint the age at which this mysterious transformation from "children's principles of behavior" to "adult principles of behavior" occurs, we are at a loss, because there is no such transformation. There is no difference between the "operating principles" of children and adults: we all behave as well as we are treated.

The second important consideration is that so-called "bad behavior" is really a blessing in disguise, as it affords the best opportunity for learning about life. If punishment is introduced at that point, this golden opportunity is lost, because the child's attention is taken away from the matter at hand, and drawn into feelings of humiliation, anger and revenge. Further, superficial "good behavior" obtained through threats and punishment can only take place until the child is old enough to fight back; angry teenagers do not fall from the sky. But trust, kindness and empathy, kept intact within the child from birth, and strengthened by parental examples of those qualities, will last a lifetime.

"I see. It's all a matter of trusting children, of recognizing that children may be less experienced and smaller than we are, but that they are equally deserving of being treated with dignity and respect. From newborns to centenarians, all human beings behave as well as they are treated.

Precisely. In parenting, as in all human relationships, let us give only love and love is all we will receive.

Swiss therapist and author Alice Miller does not mince words: "Any person who abuses his children has himself been severely traumatized in his childhood... there is no reason for child abuse other than the repression of the abuse and confusion once suffered by the abuser himself."¹ How, then, does an abused child overcome painful experiences enough to give his own children more love than he himself was given? Are such children, as they reach adulthood, doomed to repeat an endless cycle of anger, abuse, and retaliation? Or are there ways to stop the cycle, and learn more empathic, responsive ways of treating children?

While every hurtful parent was himself hurt in childhood, repetition of this pattern is not inevitable: some abused children grow up determined to give their own children the childhood they missed. My father, who was sometimes beaten, and sometimes belittled, by his father, expressed it as the desire "to give my children a better life than I had." But the apparent simplicity of this statement is an illusion. It actually encompasses two complex steps: first, the parent must gain an awareness that he or she did indeed experience abuse in childhood. This is the most difficult step, because abusive experiences of childhood are so painful that we suppress them; they may thus become unavailable to us even when we feel ready to confront our emotional limitations. As Dr. Miller explains, "Many people can scarcely remember the torments of their childhood because they have learned to regard them as a justified punishment for their own 'badness' and also because a child must repress painful events in order to survive." However, it is not inevitable that every abused child become an abuser himself, "if, during childhood, he had the chance - be it only once - to encounter someone who offered him something other than pedagogy and cruelty: a teacher, an aunt, a neighbor, a sister, a brother. It is only through the experience of being loved and cherished that the child can ever discern cruelty as such, be aware of it, and resist it."

Awareness is not enough, though, to stop the cycle of abuse. The second step toward this goal is that the parent must learn new ways of relating to children, ways that she may have seldom, or never, witnessed as a child herself. How can such a parent learn to treat her own children with dignity and respect?

Dr. Elliott Barker, Director of the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Child Abuse, recommends four critical steps which all prospective parents can take to raise emotionally healthy children, "no matter how inadequate their own past experience of nurturing has been":²

1. A positive birthing experience. As Dr. Barker explains, "If both parents are present at the birth, and there is a positive birthing experience, the mother and father are very likely to fall in love with their baby ... the hard work of looking after their child feels much less like hard work; they're obsessed with how wonderful their baby is."

2. Extended breastfeeding. "Breastfeeding until the child no longer requires it is another of those things a mother can do which will cause other good things to happen... as if by magic. Breastfeeding keeps you in love with your child. Extended breastfeeding can help the mother-infant attachment survive rough times which might otherwise lead to emotional unavailability and detachment."

3. Minimal separations and consistency of caregivers. According to pediatrician William Sears, only the parent "is perfectly attuned to the child's needs. Being away from him during stressful times deprives him of his most valuable support and also deprives you of a chance to further cement your friendship... Babies learn to accept unfulfilled needs, but at the cost of lowered self-esteem and the capacity to trust."³

4. Careful spacing of children. According to Dr. Barker, "it requires an enormous amount of time and energy on the part of both parents to adequately nurture one child under the age of three. Spacing children is one important thing that parents can do to prevent the exhaustion that occurs when well-intentioned parents take on the very difficult task of trying to meet the emotional needs of closely spaced children."

These four steps have a profound effect on the entire family. Not only do they establish the capacity to love and trust within the child, they also help the parents to heal from the pain of their own childhood. By establishing a close bond of love and trust between parent and child, these steps can halt the cycle of abuse in one generation. Dr. Miller assures us that "It is absolutely impossible for someone who has grown up in an environment of honesty, respect, and affection ever to feel driven to torment a weaker person...He has learned very early on that it is right and proper to provide the small, helpless creature with protection and guidance; this knowledge, stored at that early stage in his mind and body, will remain effective for the rest of his life." Such a child will grow up with a profound conviction that it is wrong to hurt another human being.

Unfortunately, many new parents are unaware of these four critical steps. Abusive parents, who have themselves never experienced unconditional love and trust, may find it difficult to learn new ways of relating to their children. What can be done for these families? Dr. Miller believes that changes in legislation can force parents to "come to terms with their past" when "the child is no longer available as a legal scapegoat." In Scandinavia, there are laws prohibiting child abuse - not only physical and sexual assault, but also spanking and bullying. These laws do not carry penalties; they are intended to raise public awareness of the legitimate needs and rights of children. Will such legislation be effective, when all else has failed? Dr. Miller believes that "every human being caught in a trap will search for a way out. And at heart he is glad and grateful if he is shown a way out that does not lead to guilt or to the destruction of his own children... In most cases, parents are not monsters - they are desperate children who must first learn to see reality and become aware of their responsibility."

Through the loving treatment of children by those who interact with families, educational programs that emphasize the four steps of empathic parenting, and new legislation, the relentless cycle of abuse can be stopped. Fortunately, the capacity to love and trust, once established within a child, can transfer down through the generations as readily as can mistrust and cruelty. Dr. Miller assures us that "It is quite simply not true that human beings must continue compulsively to injure their children... Injuries can heal and need not be passed on, provided they are not ignored. It is perfectly possible... to be open to the messages from our children that can help us never again to destroy life but rather to protect it and allow it to blossom."

My father grew up in a large Russian immigrant family in northern Ohio. There were eleven children in the family, and numerous relatives nearby.

Dad often reminisced about his early family life. He once described a typical day at home: his mother kept a list of transgressions, and when his father arrived home from work, he would take a strap to each of the offenders. His mother would intervene only to the point of pleading, "Not the head! Not the head!" My father never labeled this treatment "child abuse", but he knew it was not the best parenting to have had.

To help with the family finances, my dad had a paper route starting at age eight; he was not allowed to return home until he had sold all his papers. He would probably not have called this child abuse either, but he had a deep desire to give his children, as he often put it, the childhood that he had missed. He never hit his own children, and although he sometimes misunderstood our intentions, he always tried to do what he believed was in our best interests. When I once asked him how he had been able to treat my brother and me better than his own father had treated him, he replied, simply, "I wanted my children to have a better life than I had." My father was a good example of a man who somehow found it in his heart to treat his own children with more compassion than he himself had received as a child.

I once asked my mother how Dad was able to be so loving despite having been punished so often by his father. Mom quickly replied, "Sarah. His sister Sarah protected him." I found it interesting that my mother, having never studied the psychological origins of behavior, had this perceptive insight. I owe much to Sarah - and she herself must have been protected by someone¹. This is what gives me hope: love moves through the generations as readily as does pain.

Dad died in 1990, at the age of eighty-seven. For the last few years of his life, he suffered with prostate cancer, poor vision, and general frailty. Near the end of his life, he was almost totally blind, somewhat deaf, and used a walker. Slender all his life, he had become painfully thin. A man who enjoyed more than eighty healthy, active years had been vanquished. But you wouldn't have heard that from him. Just a few months before his death, nearly blind, and having great difficulty walking, he would be as eagerly excited as a small child if we were going out for dinner. One day, during what turned out to be my last visit with him, he used a walker for the first time in my presence. I must have looked surprised, because he put his arm around me and whispered, "I don't really need this. I'm only using it to please your mother." After Dad died, I shared that memory with Mom. We marveled at the strength of his proud will, which not even cancer could break.

"This is what gives me hope: love moves through the generations as readily as does pain"

Although Dad lived into his late eighties, for me he will always be in his early forties, so vivid and special are my memories of our times together when I was a small child. Though he was a hard-working, busy man, first as a travelling salesman, then as a retailer, he managed to spend enough time with me that somehow in my memory, I picture him, like Ozzie Nelson2, always at home.

My most precious memories were our trips around the block - he walking, I on my tricycle; I must have been three or four. After we'd passed two corners, we could see the houses which backed against those on our own street, and I would get excited. Most of these houses were "English Tudor" style; those on our block were wood and brick, typical American 1940's architecture. My excitement came not from seeing a different architectural style, but because Dad would pretend that this was England - not merely English architecture, but England itself! There I was at age three, a global traveler, visiting England every day. Dad always loved to travel, but more than that, he always believed in dreams.

Dad traveled often when I was small, but he made it clear that he deeply missed all of us when he was away from home. I had a collection of "international" dolls, each dressed in a native costume. Whenever Dad returned from a business trip, he would greet me with great excitement and pleasure, and present me with a new doll. Yet it wasn't the dolls themselves that mattered to me, and it never felt to me that he was using gifts as a substitute for his presence. These dolls were simply his way of telling me that he had missed me and that he had thought of me while we were apart – a subtle message for a young child, but he managed to communicate it. He would describe in great detail his trip to the store, his reasons for having chosen that particular doll, and a little about the country represented. His pleasure in my happiness was obvious.

Dad had a wonderful sense of humor; he would instantly stop whatever he was doing if someone had a joke to share, and we laughed often in our family life. Dad’s favorite comedian was Jack Benny, so every year he too would turn "39". When I actually became 39, he was delighted that we were now "the same age". He gave me the precious gift of seeing humor in even the most difficult situations. Shortly before Dad died, I dreamed of his death. In my dream, I felt deep sadness, and complained to a friend, "But now I can't tell him any more jokes."

We seldom hear this when a man of his age dies, but it's true of my dad: "And he was so young."

 

This article is dedicated with love and gratitude to Nathan Baron (1903-1990).

 

A recent newspaper story described parents who deliberately embarrassed their child at a mall by screaming at him and striking him. When one of the bystanders objected, the parents said they were "just using tough love".

Tough love was originally intended for adult drug addicts, not for young children still learning about life. Tough love as used by the parents at the mall only teaches a child the harmful and illogical lesson that deliberately hurting another human being is supposedly "an act of love". Children instinctively know that this mangled definition of love makes no sense. But when this lesson is repeated often enough, they begin to believe it. A humiliated child grows up emotionally crippled, confusing cruelty with love, and sadism with intimacy. This confusion of love and pain is surely the origin of the curious "spanking wanted" ads in many alternative newspapers.

Parents who use tough love should be reminded that "the proof is in the pudding". As a child, Adolf Hitler was often humiliated and harshly disciplined, while the young Albert Einstein was consistently treated with gentleness, kindness, and patience. Einstein’s mother was often accused of "spoiling" him. Fortunately, however, she ignored those warnings. These are extreme examples, of course, but there is no doubt in my mind that there is a close, direct correlation between the degree of punishment in childhood and later difficulties in adulthood, just as there is between loving parenting and later health and happiness.

Punishment, threats, and humiliation never achieve long-term goals because they provoke anger, create resentment, and diminish the bond between parent and child. Punishment interferes with the child’s opportunity to learn from direct experience, which ideally should be unencumbered by fear and pain. As the educator John Holt warned, "When we make a child afraid, we stop learning dead in its tracks."

According to the mother in the newspaper story, her child was being punished for having forgotten to flush a toilet in a public rest room. But more than likely, what this child learned had nothing to do with bathroom hygiene. What he most probably learned instead was that it is foolish to believe people who claim to "love" us, and that it is dangerous to allow ourselves to be close to others. His parents’ harsh and unfeeling treatment taught him that the world is fundamentally a mean and dangerous place to be. Such beliefs form the worst possible foundation for life. They are the attitudes toward life and self which are likely to induce angry behavior in childhood and lead to a life of impoverished, self-centered, and ultimately futile attempts to meet critical emotional needs - needs that should have been met long ago in childhood.

This child learned many things that day at the mall, by the example set by his parents and by those bystanders who did not intervene on his behalf. He learned that it is right and proper to cause and then to ignore a "loved" one's suffering. He learned that even those who claim to love us can hurt us. The anger, frustration, embarrassment, and helplessness he felt then, and has probably felt many times before the incident at the mall, are likely to form the foundation for a life of unhappiness, and possibly even a life of crime. Our society bemoans the rising crime rate, yet does little to prevent its real origins in the early years of childhood.

The boy's parents are, in all likelihood, well-meaning. They think they are teaching their son to do the right thing and to grow to be a responsible adult, and their teaching methods are most likely those that were practiced by their own parents. Ironically, their behavior is very likely to accomplish just the opposite: a U.S. Army study found that it is good experiences, not painful ones, that best prepare a child for adult responsibilities.¹

What these parents did to their child is clearly abusive. Unfortunately, North American laws are not as clear about emotional abuse as are laws that exist in many other countries. In Sweden, it is illegal not only to hit a child, but also to "bully" him.

A follow-up letter to the newspaper suggested that the parent be required to wear a sign saying "I am a child abuser". Unfortunately, such a sign can be translated as: "I am a former abused child". And so it goes through the generations – until schools teach enlightened parenting skills, and new child abuse laws are written that clearly promote the respectful treatment of children, rather than merely offer vaguely defined minimum standards below which a child is deemed to have been abused.

The letter writer suggested that the bystanders should have called the police. Perhaps, but there are a few other calls to be made: Call legislators to strengthen laws against emotional child abuse. Call school superintendents and remind them that positive parenting skills are infinitely more important than dates of historical battles. Call judges, who need to understand the link between childhood punishment and adult crime, so they can stop recommending "more discipline" and start prescribing classes for abusive parents. Call expectant parents and remind them of the underlying principles of behavior: that children reflect the treatment they receive, and that children are human beings who deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Call newspaper editors and tell them that articles teaching compassionate parenting are infinitely more important than stories about men throwing balls through hoops, even if sports coverage sells more papers. Call those adults who are lucky enough to be parents, and who have had difficulty adjusting to that role. Gently suggest that if they have had painful childhoods, perhaps they might consider counseling so that the cycle of child abuse can be stopped now.

It's not surprising that a child with "tough" parents would be so preoccupied with painful feelings that he might forget to flush a toilet. He'll probably forget a lot of things, but what he'll remember is that it is dangerous to trust other people, acceptable to ignore the suffering of children, and less painful to live a life of loneliness and isolation than to risk being hurt any further.

What kind of love is it if it doesn't allow for mistakes (which all of us make)? To love a child means to treat him or her with respect, patience, gentleness and compassion, and in a way that is consistent with the Golden Rule. Tough love is tough, all right, but it has nothing to do with love.

Attachment parenting, to put it most simply, is believing what we know in our heart to be true. And if we do that, we find that we trust the child. We trust him in these ways:

• We trust that he is doing the very best he can at every given moment, given all of his experiences up to that time.
   
• We trust that though he may be small in size, he is as fully human as we are, and as deserving as we are to have his needs taken seriously.
   
• We trust that he has been born innocent, loving, and trusting. We do not need to "turn him around", to teach him that life is difficult, or train him to be a loving human being - he is that at birth and all we need to do is celebrate that, and support and sustain it.
   
• We don't have to give him lessons about life - life brings its own lessons and its own frustrations.
   
• We recognize that in a very beautiful way, our child teaches us - if we listen - what love is.¹
   
• We understand that if a child "misbehaves", instead of reacting to the behavior, we should always examine what has been taking place in his life: what stresses, frustrations or frightening, confusing, or difficult situations he has just experienced. We also need to examine whether we have brought about any of these experiences, intentionally or not. It is our job to be responsive parents, meeting the needs of our child; it is not the child's job to meet our needs for a quiet and perfectly well-behaved child.
   
• We understand that It is unfair and unrealistic to expect a child to behave perfectly at all times; after all, no adult can do this either. Yet behind all punishment is the unstated expectation that a child can and should behave perfectly at all times; there is no leeway.
   
• We see that so-called "bad behavior" is in reality nothing more than the child's attempt to communicate an important need in the best way he can, given the present circumstances and all of his prior experience. "Misbehavior" is a signal to us that important needs are not being met. - by us or by others in the child's life. We should not ignore that behavior any more than we should ignore the sound of a smoke detector. We should instead see "bad behavior" as an opportunity - an opportunity to reevaluate our own behavior, to learn about our child's needs, and to meet those needs in the best way possible.

As Albert Einstein wrote, "Behind every difficulty lies an opportunity." This is true in general, but it is profoundly true in parenting. For example, if a child chases a ball into the road, that is an opportunity to teach him safety measures by practicing for similar situations in the future. The parent could ask the child to purposely throw the ball into the road, then come to the parent and report the situation. In this way, the real lesson can be learned: it is the parent who needs to spend more time teaching safety, not the child who should somehow have known this information, and obviously does not yet know. Punishment is the most damaging response: it is unfair, upsetting, and confusing, and distracts the child from the learning that needs to take place. Instead we should give gentle, respectful instruction at the time the behavior occurs - this is exactly when the child can relate it to his life. In this way the best learning can take place.

Through attachment parenting, children learn to trust themselves, understand themselves, and eventually will be able to use their time as adults in a meaningful and creative way, rather than spending it in an attempt to deal with past childhood hurts, in a way that hurts themselves or others. If an adult has no need to deal with the past, he can live fully in the present.

As the Golden Rule suggests, attachment parenting is parenting the child the way we wish we had been treated in childhood, the way we wish we were treated by everyone now, and the way we want our grandchildren to be treated. With attachment parenting, we are giving an example of love and trust.

Our children deserve to learn what compassion is, and they learn that most of all by our example. If our children do not learn compassion from us, when will they learn it? The bottom line is that all children behave as well as they are treated - by their parents and by everyone else in their life.

Dr. Elliott Barker is a Canadian psychiatrist and the Director of the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty for Children. He describes attachment parenting as having these two facets:

• Being willing and able to put yourself in your child's shoes in order to correctly identify his/her feelings.
  
• Being willing and able to behave toward your child in ways which take those feelings into account.

In short, attachment parenting is loving and trusting our children. If we can do that, they will be able to trust us and in turn, trust others and be trustworthy persons themselves. The educator John Holt once said that everything he wrote could be summed up in two words: "trust children". This is the most precious gift we can give as parents.

The single most important thing that homeschool families must keep in mind is this:

Children learn by example.

Actually, adults learn largely by example, too, and this also has a profound effect upon homeschool families.

With this in mind, a visit to a typical tax-financed socialist "public" school provides more than enough motivation to homeschool. Do responsible parents want their children to emulate the behavior of the teachers and children there? Disorder, ignorance, misbehavior, disrespect for parents and family, and worse are the norms in such schools, so they obviously do not provide the examples we want for our children. Even the mobs of immature children and typical adults found in most private and Christian schools are often poor examples.

Once the children are at home, however, learning by example does not end. It simply transfers to the home itself. If you read, the children will read. If you value academic achievement for yourself, so will they. If your Christian faith is strong, theirs will be. Conversely, if you watch TV, so will they. If you form your opinions from shallow sources of propaganda such as TV news commentators and local newspapers, instead of by responsible independent thought based on accurate information, so will they.

If you permit government agencies to confiscate the earnings of your neighbors and fellow citizens by forced taxation, and then partake of a share of the loot through government payments, and if you carefully vote for politicians who promise you a greater share of the loot, then your children will learn that it is acceptable to steal. If you earn your own way, even when it seems more difficult to do so, your children will learn the virtues of hard work and honesty.

Academic study is only part of the home environment, but it is an essential part. This study best takes place in a quiet, comfortable atmosphere with an adult example nearby. For instance, if a separate room is available, each child should have a large desk in that room, as should at least one adult. The tops of these desks should be completely clear of all items except those immediately in use. The room should be free from distractions such as toys and other interests. Even school wall hangings can be distractions. The action is on the desks - between the students and the books - not on the walls, floors, and ceilings. Anything that interposes itself between the student and those books is a negative influence, whether it be an overly solicitous teacher or a distracting toy (even a toy that pretends to be educational). Academic knowledge is in books, and it is from books that the student must learn to extract it.

The students need one primary thing from their teacher - they need an example. An adult should, if at all possible, do his or her own reading and paperwork, such as accounting and bill paying, at a desk in the school room. I know of fathers with desk-intensive professions who have had great success by simply taking their children to work. The students are given desks in the corners of the father's office and taught to conduct themselves in complete quiet. They work at their desks, while Daddy works at his desk. The children soon learn to tune out distractions such as telephone conversations or other workers visiting the father - and they emulate the father.

There are, of course, a great many possible variations. If, for example, the parents' work requires that another adult supervise the children for part of the day, that adult should be chosen with academic example (as well as moral, spiritual, and ethical example) in mind. The supervisory adult will become the students' role model. Is that person an example of the sort of adults you want your children to become?

It is ridiculous to have children - the greatest blessing that our life in this world offers - and then turn them over to the state or to mobs of other immature children and disinterested adults to raise. When we keep them at home, our homes prosper, strengthening our family lives and our spiritual lives.

None of us are, of course, perfect. The typical adult - as is present in the Robinson home, for instance - has many faults and foibles which he will probably never outgrow. But to a certain extent, my children invert my foibles, having learned from my example about habits (such as sugar addiction) that they should not acquire.

Our children even serve, in many ways, as examples for us. There are great stores of inherent wisdom within the minds and hearts of children, especially those who are fortunate to live "out of the world." If an adult shelters a child from the negative influences of the world and then emulates, himself, the wonderful person that automatically emerges as the child grows, that adult is likely to improve greatly in heart and mind.

Academic mental achievement - learning to think and learning to find accurate, reliable information upon which to base our thoughts - is an important aspect of life. Homeschools foster this achievement. The principal duties of parents in this process are to provide a good study environment, excellent study materials conducive to self-learning, good study rules, and - above all else - a good example for the students to emulate.

Dr. Arthur Robinson is a scientist who works on various aspects of fundamental biochemistry, nutrition, and preventive medicine. He is President and Research Professor of the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine. His wife Lauralee, who was also a scientist, homeschooled their children until her death in November 1988, when the children were 12, 10, 8, 6, 6, and 16 months. During the past seven years, Dr. Robinson and the children have continued their homeschooling by developing a program entirely based upon self-teaching.

When the Victorian poet Robert Browning was five, he saw his father sitting in his reading chair, absorbed in a large volume. Little Robert asked him what it was, and his father replied, "The siege of Troy." The boy asked, "What's a siege and what's Troy?" His father stood up, put a chair on the table, plopped the little boy into it and said, "You are Priam, King of Troy," and proceeded to describe the Trojan War for the amusement of his son. The cat became Helen, the dogs Agamemnon and Menelaos, the stable boy Hector, and so forth. Young Robert was enchanted. A year or two later, seeing his son playing "Siege of Troy" with his friends, his father suggested reading the whole story in a translation of Homer, which the boy did with delight. Then his father suggested studying Greek so that he could read the story in the words of Homer himself, and by the time the boy was twelve he had read all of Homer in the original.

There are not many fathers like Browning's anymore. Classical education emphasizes the great literature of the past, and Christians above all should understand the necessity of knowing the past, for history is a record of God's work and man's response. But twentieth-century man believes that the past is irrelevant and that only the practical has value. Men, especially, are taught to feel the tyranny of the practical. Consequently, men often have more difficulty appreciating classical education than their wives do. But if fathers do not learn to love the old books of literature and history and the study of Latin and Greek, then their sons, who will be the next generation of family heads, will not learn to value them either, and we fathers will be guilty of perpetuating into the next generation the present unbiblical hatred of the past.

A Father's Example

In The Classical Tradition, Gilbert Highet speaks of "a class of teacher that we tend to forget, although we should remember them with admiration and affection. These are the fathers who introduced their sons to the great books and the beautiful languages of Greece and Rome, who awakened their interest, and helped them over the dry sands and stubborn fences, and studied along with them, until often the sons became famous men whom we admire as though they had produced themselves out of nothing. That is true fatherhood, not only to beget the body but to help in making the mind of your son."

Many fathers of whom we have records in Scripture and history are very poor examples of this; many shirked the duty of helping to make a son's mind. On the other hand, many fathers have been wonderful examples of devotion, willing to forego their own pleasure and sometimes their welfare, for that of their sons, because they have a vision for generations rather than for their own lives alone.

Isaac Casaubon, one of the great scholars of the Reformation, was learning Greek from his father at the age of nine. When news of the St. Bartholomew's day massacre of the French Protestants by the Catholics drove them to the hills, his father continued the lessons in a cave.

When the Renaissance essayist Montaigne was a child, his father hired a tutor who was fluent in Latin. He was required to speak only Latin to the boy, as was the rest of the family. Little Montaigne learned Latin as his native tongue, and for the rest of his life he read for pleasure in the ancient authors better than any scholar of the day. His father taught him Greek by making it a game, a private language they could use between them.

The father of Edmund Gosse, the Victorian poet and essayist, was a biologist. He took Edmund with him to the shores of the English coast where they examined the creatures living there. While there, his father heard Edmund trying to recite his Latin declensions, with which he had been having difficulty, and taking down his own old Vergil he began to repeat the first of Vergil's bucolic poems by memory. The little boy could not understand a word, but was overcome by the music of the lines, and went about repeating them to himself in a kind of glory: "as I hung over the tidal pools at the edge of the sea," says Gosse, "all my inner being used to ring out with the sound of 'formosam resonare doces Amaryllida siluas.'"

John Stuart Mill came from a large family which his father struggled to support by his writing. Mill's father began teaching him Greek when the boy was only three, and Latin when he was eight. Under his father's guidance, by the time Mill was twelve years old he had read, in the original languages, most of the Greek and Roman poets, philosophers, and historians. By his eighth year, Mill had read a dozen of the great English historians, including Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Mill's father walked an hour every morning for his health, and for ten years took John along, questioning him about his reading, explaining difficult points, and suggesting other reading for the boy to follow.

A Love of Learning

All of these fathers were deeply involved with their sons' mental growth, helping them in their studies or teaching the boys themselves. But more importantly, all of these fathers were themselves devoted to learning; they loved reading, conversation, and the company of other men who felt the same. If we want our sons to love learning, desire knowledge, and appreciate our intellectual inheritance, we must do what these fathers did: we must model it by loving, desiring, and appreciating those things ourselves. It is not enough for Mother to believe in the value of books and to love them; if Father despises learning, by word or simple apathy, whom will the son imitate? Very few fathers would say, "Learning's a waste of time, boy." But a great many say it very clearly by their apathy.

The most critical element in a son's education is not the curriculum he follows, but his father's attitude toward learning. The best curriculum is a father's choice of conversation at the dinner table, the questions he asks of his sons, the books he reads to them, and especially the books he reads late at night when no one is watching to see if he turns on the television.

HELP WANTED

Male/female to work double to triple shifts. No weekends or holidays off. Long-term commitment (18 yrs. min.). Must have unlimited physical, emotional stamina. Low pay to start, but high potential for satisfaction.

 

Life as a Parent

Welcome to the world of parenthood! Why didn’t someone tell you there were going to be days when you would feel:

• old before your time
• tired before 11 a.m.
• too upset to think straight.

Would you have believed them, if they had?

One of the nicest things about being a parent is that you don’t have to know everything. The job, like the child, grows gradually. There’s on-the-job training.

So take a few moments, just for yourself, and learn how to make the rewards of parenting equal the demands.

 

Birth to One Year

Learn the basics. How do you bathe a baby? Or change a diaper? You can learn! Read, ask an expert, talk to your parents and other parents.

Love your baby. Give all you’ve got! Talk to your baby, touch (hold, kiss, hug), smile and enjoy! It’s impossible to spoil a baby.

Discover what’s what. Pay close attention to all the sounds (cooing, babbling, gurgling, and crying) your baby makes, as well as facial expressions and body movements. Each one means something different.

Never use physical force. The pressures of parenting are very real. You need to find safe, satisfying ways to release them - but never on your baby.

 

Toddlerhood

Take a Deep Breath. The assault on your house, your personal belongings . . . this too, shall pass. Right now, to your toddler, everything is new, exciting . . . and just waiting to be explored.

Childproof Your House. Pack away your treasures and lock up dangerous or poisonous items. You’ll be more relaxed, and you won’t have to say "NO" so often.

Keep the Rules Simple and Few. Your goal is to keep your toddler safe. Table manners can wait and so can toilet training.

 

School Age

Show Interest. Check homework, talk about what’s happening in school, ask their friends over, and find time to see your children’s teachers occasionally.

Communicate. If there’s a single golden rule for parents, it’s this: Talk to your children (and listen, too).

Assign kid-sized chores. Kids this age love to help. Just make sure the chores fit each child’s capabilities. Nothing makes a child lose interest faster than having to do something too difficult, or too easy.

 

Adolescence

Refuse to get confused. Part of growing up is acting like a two-year-old and an adult, all in the same day. Expect your teen to do this, and be prepared to comfort, reassure and, on occasion, look the other way.

Face the facts. Your teen will probably say "I know that," when you talk about the facts of life, but do it anyway. As a parent, you’re the only one who can share the values that go with the facts!

Let your affection show. Cool the physical demonstrations (especially when their friends are around), but make it loud and clear: You care!

Cut those apron strings. Old values, taught from the cradle, may fade away during the teen years, but they come back - along with grownup children you’ll be proud to know. Trust your teens to make it all the way.

 

Discipline

Nothing helps your survival as a parent more than discipline. But, to be effective, discipline must teach a child how to avoid repeating misbehaviors and what to do instead. It should also be given in doses that fit the age of the child and the size of the crime.

• Babies are never candidates for discipline. They’re too little!
• All children react better to approval and affection.
• Discipline only when reasonable expectations are not met. Define clearly, in advance, what you want them to do!
• Be consistent. Whatever style of discipline you choose, use in every situation, even in public or when the grandparents are visiting.
• Review expectations regularly. There are no perfect children, just as there are no perfect parents. If your children are not meeting your expectations, the expectations probably need changing, not the children.
• Shame, rejection, withdrawal of affection, or preferential treatment of one child over another have no place in discipline.

Adapted from "Parent’s Survival Tips," published by the Minnesota Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse.

 

Children Love to Hear . . .

• I Love You!
• Great work!
• Thank you very much!
• You’re such a great kid!
• Keep up the good work!
• I have such a fun time being with you!
• How are you doing today?
• I would love for you to help me with this.
• I can tell you’ve been working really hard lately.
• I’m proud to know that you are doing your best.
• What do you think about . . .
• Now I see your point.
• Moms and Dads can make mistakes, too.
• We have rules because I care about your safety.
• What I love about you is . . .
• You are an important part of my life.
• Let’s spend some special time together.
• I know I’ve been busy lately, but I’m never too busy for you.
• You really outdid yourself.
• Good for you!
• You are doing a super job!
• You’re a good friend because you ...
• I’m glad you’re here.