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Parents are their kids' most powerful moral instructors, but often don't use their influence due to misconceptions. Michele Borba, author of Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, says these 7 parenting myths are especially deadly to kids' Moral IQ:

MYTH 1: Moral intelligence develops naturally.
One thing is certain: kids aren't born with moral intelligence. Moral IQ is learned! The best school for learning the critical habits of solid character is always in the home. Too often parents assume these habits develop naturally: and it's a major misconception. To ensure kids acquire strong moral habits and beliefs, parents must intentionally model, reinforce, and teach the virtues and habits comprising Moral IQ. Unless they do, chances are their kids won't acquire them, and they'll be left morally defenseless.

MYTH 2: How kids turn out is all in the genes.
Most of us would agree there are some "givens" we can't change about our kids, such as their genetic makeup and their innate temperament. But even those are not etched in stone. Research verifies it. One 12-year study of 72-pairs of genetically related adolescents found their biological tendencies could be either be encouraged or stifled depending on how their parents responded to them. The bottom line: biology is not destiny if parents realize that a good deal of how kids turn out rests in how they treat their kids. If kids are treated morally and deliberately taught moral skills and beliefs, researchers say chances are high they will become moral. But the first critical step is for parents to realize they do make a difference in how their kids turn out.

MYTH 3: Moral beliefs are set by early teens.
Research confirms moral growth is an ongoing process that will span the course of our children's lifetimes. In fact, current studies say the part of the brain where conscience is formed isn't fully developed in males until 21 years of age. The adolescent years are when kids need adult guidance about tough moral choices most. So moral-building endeavors must be continuous and not stop during those teen years when parents often erroneously believe their kids' moral growth has stopped.

MYTH 4: Peers influence kids' morals more than parents do.
Scores of studies-including ones by the American Academy of Pediatrics-report that while peers do have a huge moral influence, parents influence their kids on moral issues that matter most such as religion, education, and values. Peers influence deals more with daily issues such kids' entertainment, music, and dress choices. Parents must recognize they can still have the inside track in their children's moral development because they can have the closest relationship, if they chose to nurture it. The bottom line: peers will be a bigger moral influence if parents allow them to be. And today's parents can't afford to make that mistake.

MYTH 5: Intelligent kids turn out morally intelligent.
Intelligence does not guarantee moral behavior. If you need proof just think of brilliant leaders-such as Hitler, Stalin, Lenin-who were also evil. If parents are to succeed in raising moral children they must help their kids not only think morally but also act morally. And that means they must deliberately teach their kids critical Moral IQ skills such as resolving conflicts, empathizing, managing anger, negotiating fairly, using self control, etc. We've always known that the true measure of character rests in our actions-not in mere thoughts. Unless children know how to act right, their moral development is defective. And that knowledge rests not in their IQ score but in what they've been taught.

MYTH 6: Moral growth starts at school age.
A common mistake parents make is waiting until their kids are 6 or 7-the so-called Age of Reason-to build their moral IQ. By then poor moral habits have formed and are so much harder to break. The fact is parents can start enhancing kids' moral growth when they are toddlers. Although at that age they certainly don't have the cognitive capacities to handle complex moral reasoning, that's when the rudiments of moral habits-such as exercising self-control, being fair, showing respect, sharing, and empathizing-are first acquired. So the earlier parents begin cultivating their kids' moral capabilities the better the chance they have of raising good moral beings.

MYTH 7: Previous generations didn't build kids Moral IQ, so parents today shouldn't have to.
Today's kids are being raised in a much more morally toxic atmosphere than previous generations for two reasons. First, a number of critical social factors that nurture moral character are slowly disintegrating: adult supervision, models of moral behavior, spiritual or religious training, meaningful adult relationships, personalized schools, clear national values, community support, stability, and adequate parents. Second, our kids are being steadily bombarded with outside messages that go against he value values we are trying to instill. Both factors make it much harder for parents to raise moral kids. Today's parents can no longer sit back and assume their kids become decent human beings. Deliberately teaching the moral virtues and habits that make-up strong Moral IQ is the best assurance parents have that their kids will lead moral lives. Their first step is dispelling seven deadly myths so their kids do turn out moral.

Home is the best school for teaching moral behaviors. Here are 10 parenting tips from Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing by Dr. Michele Borba.


1. Commit to Raising A Moral Child
How important is it for you to raise a moral child? It's a crucial question to ask, because research finds that parents who feel strongly about their kids turning out morally usually succeed because they committed themselves to that effort. If you really want to raise a moral child, then make a personal commitment to raise one, and don't stop until he does.

2. Be a Strong Moral Example
Parents are their children's first and most powerful moral teachers, so make sure the moral behaviors your kids are picking up from you are ones that you want them to copy. Try to make your life a living example of good moral behavior for your child to see. Each day ask yourself: "If my child had only my behavior to watch, what example would he catch?" The answer is often quite telling.

3. Know Your Beliefs & Share Them
Before you can raise a moral child, you must be clearly about what believe in. Take time to think through your values then share them regularly to your child explaining why you feel the way you do. After all, your child will be hearing endless messages that counter your beliefs, so it's essential the she hears about your moral standards. TV shows, movies, newspapers, and literature are filled with moral issues, so use them as opportunities to discuss your beliefs with your child.

4. Use Teachable Moments
The best teaching moments aren't ones that are planned-they happen unexpectedly. Look for moral issues to talk about as they come up. Take advantage of those moments because they help your child develop solid moral beliefs that will help guide his behavior the rest of his life.

5. Use Discipline as a Moral Lesson
Effective discipline ensures that the child not only recognizes why her behavior was wrong but also knows what to do to make it right next time. Using the right kind of questions helps kids expand their ability to take another person's perspective and understand the consequences of their behavior. So help your child reflect: "Was that the right thing to do? What should I do next time?" That way your child learns from his mistakes and grows morally. Remember your ultimate goal is to wean your child from your guidance so he acts right on his own.

6. Expect Moral Behavior
Studies are very clear: kids who act morally have parents who expect them to do so. It sets a standard for your child's conduct and also lets her know in no uncertain terms what you value. Post your moral standards at home then consistently reinforce them until your child internalizes them so they become his rules, too.

7. Reflect on the Behaviors' Effects
Researchers tell us one of the best moral-building practices is to point out the impact of the child's behavior on the other person. Doing so enhances a child's moral growth: ("See, you made her cry") or highlight the victim's feeling ("Now he feels bad"). The trick is to help to help the child really imagine what it would be like to be in the victim's place so she will be more sensitive to how her behavior impacts others.

8. Reinforce Moral Behaviors
One of the simplest ways to help kids learn new behaviors is to reinforce them as they happen. So purposely catch your child acting morally and acknowledge her good behavior by describing what she did right and why you appreciate it.

9. Prioritize Morals Daily
Kids don't learn how to be moral from reading about it in textbooks but from doing good deeds. Encourage your child to lend a hand to make a difference in his world, and always help him recognize the positive effect the gesture had on the recipient. The real goal is for kids to become less and less dependent on adult guidance by incorporating moral principles into their daily lives and making them their own. That can happen only if parents emphasize the importance of the virtues over and over and their kids repeatedly practice those moral behaviors.

10. Incorporate the Golden Rule
Teach your child the Golden Rule that has guided many civilizations for centuries, "Treat others as you want to be treated." Remind him to ask himself before acting, Would I want someone to treat me like that? It helps him think about his behavior and its consequences on others. Make the rule become your family's over-arching moral principal.

One strong characteristic of morally intelligent children is that they are empathic and concerned about others. An important point to remember is that while our kids are born with the potential for empathy and generosity, those traits aren't guaranteed. Researchers have discovered that a strong commonality of those kids who acquire them is how they were raised. That means parents can be enormously influential in helping their kids be concerned about others needs by prioritizing it in their homes. It's a slow, gradual evolution, but if you are consciously boosting those traits as a parent now, chances are much stronger you'll have success and your child will develop those traits.

Boost the concept of gratitude into your daily living. We seem to have a lot of "gimme" kids these days and it's because they've learned that their parents will oblige their every whim. So don't! Establish guidelines and stick to them. My girlfriend noticed her mother-in-law was overindulging her kids in material gifts and finally told her that was not the kind of kids she wanted to raise. She asked her to please reduce their number of presents and put the money instead in their college fund. The key here is the mom determined how she wanted her kids to turn out, and then consciously begin raising them that way. Stretch your child to think about other people's concerns and needs. Here are a few ideas that might help you:

• Have her switch roles. The next time there's a conflict between your child and a friend (or between you and your child) ask her to stop and think how the other person would feel if the roles were reversed. Then ask her to talk about the problem AS IF SHE WERE THE OTHER PERSON. "What would the other person say and do?" If she is very young, it is helpful to use puppets so that each puppet can represent the person in the conflict. It builds empathy.
  
  
• Call attention to insensitive behavior. Any time your child acts unkindly, use it as an opportunity to help him become more sensitive to the feelings of other people. Just point out the impact of her actions: "Telling Bert to leave because you wanted to play with Sally was inconsiderate. How would YOU feel?" "Not asking Daddy if he wanted to watch a TV show was unkind. How would you feel?"
  
  
• Be an example of generosity. Try to find natural ways to help her "give" to others so she understands the joy giving can bring. Start by doing it yourself and having her watch and do it with you. Here are a couple of ideas: "The neighbor is sick; let's make an extra bowl of soup and bring it to her." "Daddy is so tired; let's surprise him and stack the newspapers so he doesn't have to. " Make giving natural and fun but help her learn to GIVE.
  
  
• Expect him to share. This is one of the first moral behaviors we need to tune up in our kids starting at around 2 or 3 years of age. When he is two you can structure his sharing: "It's his turn, then your turn, then his turn." Little kids sometimes need an oven timer as a reminder that the other person should still be allowed to play with the toy. Before friends come over, structure "sharing" by asking him: "What things will you share with your friend?" "What do you think he would like to play?" Put away things that are very special that may cause problems. What's important on this one is to help your child learn to think of others' needs and feelings.

• Consistency. Parents and caregivers need to sit down together and come to an agreement about their discipline. Then AGREE TO STICK WITH IT.
  
  
• Target the behavior. Be clear of what behaviors need to be changed. I call this the 3 Bear Approach to Discipline.. here's how: first list the behaviors she does TOO MUCH (that need changing).. list the behaviors she does TOO LITTLE (those she needs to tune up .. manners, coming in on time, respecting authority).. then remember to list the behaviors she does JUST RIGHT and those are the behaviors to REINFORCE. We don't do that nearly enough. Look for what your child does right and remember to acknowledge those behaviors.
  
  
• Determine the Rules. Once they've come to an agreement regarding the behaviors then sit down and have a family meeting and make sure the children are clear about the parents' expectations. List the rules and have everyone sign them. Don't create too many, 6-10 is about right .. and write them in positive language "we will talk calmly with one another;" "we will treat each other respectfully" - post them on the refrigerator.
  
  
• Create Consequences. Talk together and decide if any of those rules are broken what the consequence will be? These need to also be clear and set up ahead. For 10 year olds, I think removal of a privilege usually works best. If you can't be respectful in this family, you lose the privilege of watching TV for the day. If you don't finish your homework, you don't go to your friends' home.
  
  
• Follow Through. Whatever the consequences are .. they must be set ahead of time and agreed upon by all and then the parents MUST FOLLOW THROUGH EVERYTIME on them.
  
  
• Reinforce Good Behavior. Remember to reinforce her a child's efforts and keep building and nurturing a positive relationship.
  

Moral intelligence is the capacity to understand right from wrong; it means to have strong ethical convictions and to act on them so that one behaves in the right and honorable way. It consists of seven essential virtues. Building Moral Intelligence by Dr. Michele Borba (Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2001) provides a complete step-by-step plan for teaching kids these critical virtues they'll need to do what's right and resist any pressures that may defy the habits of good character.

The Seven Essential Virtues of Moral Intelligence

	1. Empathy : Identifying with and feeling other people's concerns Step 1. Foster awareness and an emotional vocabulary. Step 2. Enhance sensitivity to the feelings of others. Step 3. Develop empathy for another person’s point of view.
	2. CONSCIENCE: Knowing the right and decent way to act and acting in that way.
	Step 1. Create the context for moral growth. Step 2. Teach virtues to strengthen conscience and guide behavior. Step 3. Foster moral discipline to help kids learn right from wrong.
	3. SELF-CONTROL: Regulating your thoughts and actions so that you stop any pressures from within or without and act the way you know and feel is right.
	Step 1. Model and prioritize self-control to your child. Step 2. Encourage your child to become his own self motivator. Step 3. Teach your child ways to deal with temptations and think before acting.
	4. RESPECT: Showing you value others by treating them in a courteous and considerate way.
	Step 1. Convey the meaning of respect by modeling and teaching it. Step 2. Enhance respect for authority and squelch rudeness. Step 3. Emphasize good manners and courtesy--they do count!
	5. KINDNESS: Demonstrating concern about the welfare and feelings of others.
	Step 1. Teach the meaning and value of kindness. Step 2. Establish a zero tolerance for meanness and nastiness. Step 3. Encourage kindness and point out its positive effect.
	6. TOLERANCE: Respecting the dignity and rights of all persons, even those beliefs and behaviors we may disagree with.
	Step 1. Model and nurture tolerance from an early age. Step 2. Instill an appreciation for diversity. Step 3. Counter stereotypes and do not tolerate prejudice.
	7. FAIRNESS: Choosing to be open-minded and to act in a just and fair way.
	Step 1. Treat your kids fairly. Step 2. Help your child learn to behave fairly. Step 3. Teach your child ways to stand up against unfairness and injustice.

Moral Intelligence is what helps kids act right with or without our guidance, and the best news is that this critical intelligence can be taught.

Here are 10 reasons why we must build our kids' Moral IQ.

1 Nurtures Good Character. The foundation to good character--or "moral intelligence"--consists of seven core virtues: empathy, conscience, self-control, respect, kindness, tolerance, and fairness. These ultimately form our children's character and are the principles they'll use to direct the course of their lives long after we are gone. Building Moral IQ is our best hope that kids will have the foundation to good, solid character.

2 Teaches How Think and Act Right. In these troubling times, parents need to know ways to help their kids learn to not only think morally but also act morally. After all, the true measure of character rests in our actions--not in mere thoughts. Moral Intelligence teaches the specific moral habits that will get our kids on the right course so that they do act as well as think right.

3 Moral IQ Is Not Guaranteed. Moral IQ is learned, though developing it is far from guaranteed. To ensure kids acquire it, we must intentionally model, nurture, reinforce, and teach it. If we don't the result is tragic: an increase in insensitivity, dishonesty, aggression, incivility, cruelty, hatred, and injustice. We must be deliberate.

4 Protects Against Toxicity. The truth is toxic influences are so entrenched in our culture that shielding kids from them is almost impossible. That's why it's crucial to build Moral IQ. It will serve as their moral compass so they have deep-seated convictions to stand by their choices and counter any pressures from inside or outside that go against the principles of good character.

5 Teaches Critical Life Skills. Moral IQ is comprised of the skills needed to protect kids' moral lives such as resolving conflicts, empathizing, knowing right from wrong, asserting themselves, controlling anger, learning tolerance, negotiating fairly, communicating respectfully, cooperating, using self control, sharing, and knowing right from wrong. These skills are needed in all life arenas, and especially in today's troubled world.

6 Creates Good Citizens. It's important to remember that the most important measure of a nation is not its gross national product, its technological genius, or its military might. It is the character of its people. Moral intelligence consists of seven timeless virtues that are the bedrock of good citizenship and responsible living.

7 Counters Temptations. Moral Intelligence gives kids the power to counter outside and inside vices so that they do what's right. It's what helps them navigate through the ethical challenges and pressures they will inevitably face throughout life and choose the right moral choices so they do act right with or without adult guidance .

8 Prevents Violence and Cruelty. Of the 26 wealthiest countries, our youth are the most violent. And peer cruelty is rising. Yet we continue to erect metal detectors and hire guards to "protect" students from themselves. The best protection is fortifying them with Moral IQ and to teach three core virtues that lay the foundation for nonviolence: empathy, conscience, and self-control. Without them, kids become time bombs just waiting for explode. We can't afford not to build their Moral Intelligence: it's our best hope.

9 Inspires Good Behavior. Moral IQ is comprised of the essential moral virtues needed to help our kids become decent, caring, and respectful. These seven virtues become a template for creating our kids' character, guiding their actions, and ultimately defining their reputations as caring, good human beings.

10 Shapes Moral Destinies. Moral growth is an ongoing process that will span the course of our children's lifetimes. But the habits and beliefs of Moral Intelligence we instill in our kids now will become their ethical foundation they'll use forever. It is what will greatly decide our children's moral destinies and will be our greatest legacy.

 

MORAL IQ TIP: Tune up your empathic behaviors so your child regularly sees you show concern for other people's “hurts and needs.” Then act on your concerns to comfort others so that your child can copy your actions.

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Boredom and heat can increase the negative behavior siblings exhibit toward one another. We can encourage a caring environment in the home by sensitizing our children to the feelings and thoughts of others. The following ideas are from my upcoming book, BUILDING MORAL INTELLIGENCE: A PARENT’S GUIDE TO TEACHING THE SEVEN ESSENTIAL VIRTUES (Jossey Bass, 2001). They’re just a few of the dozens of ways you can encourage your child to respect and care for everyone at home.

Make a Family Care Covenant to stamp out uncaring words and deeds. To be effective it must be consistently enforced.

1. Identify uncaring behavior and do not allow it. For example, when a child makes a negative, uncaring comment, bashes or criticizes someone, he must turn it around with a positive statement, orally or written.
2. Make it a goal to “build up” each other instead of “put down”.
3. Spell out in writing what uncaring words and gestures are not permitted in your family.
4. Involve all members, make suggestions for enforcement of the rules.
5. Have all members sign it and post it.
6. Keep a large glass jar where anyone who says a put-down or other negative comment must “pay for it”.
7. Post of list of chores that a child can do if he is short of money
8. When the jar fills up, take it to your favorite charity.

Charity begins at home. Create Caring Coupon Books to encourage acts of caring and service. Kids can do chores for one another, read to one another, share a special toy, allow their sibling choose the TV show or music in the car or practice a sport or play a game with the recipient.

1. Have each child choose a family member to give the coupon book.
2. Cut paper into 4” x 8” strips.
3. On the top of each page write “Because I care about you, I will…” followed by a caring chore.
4. Illustrate it and make a cover.
5. Staple sides together.
6. Deliver to the lucky recipient.

By establishing an environment where children’s empathy is nurtured by treating one another with respect and caring deeds, your summer “camping-in” experience will be more loving and peaceful!

One more tip for camping in – don’t forget manners! “A kind heart and kind manners mean you don’t hurt feelings and you make other people feel good”.1 The heart of manners is caring about the other person. Kind manners and good behavior makes one feel good about oneself and a stronger sense of self. Consideration of others at home makes people want to be around you.

MORAL IQ TIP: To teach kids self-control, you must show kids self-control, so be a living example of self-control.

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Dear Dr. Borba,

My son’s only seven, but he’s been coming home upset every day. He says a boy named Mark keeps teasing him. Now the rest of the kids won’t play with him because they are afraid Mark will start picking on them, too. He’s miserable and doesn’t want to go to school. What can I do to help him?

Some of the toughest problems parents must deal with happen right on the school playground where teasing, bullying and mean-spirited kids abound. There seems to be an epidemic of mean-acting kids these days. In fact, the National Education Association estimates that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. While we can’t prevent the pain insults can cause, we can lessen our kids’ chances of becoming victims. In my new book, Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, I tell parents the best thing to do is teach our kids how to deal with their tormentors. Doing so will show them there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing face or resorting to violence and will boost their confidence. So the next time your child is upset from teasing, here are a few ideas I suggest you do:

1. Listen and gather facts.
The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen to your child’s whole story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure out what happened, who was involved, where and when the teasing took place, and why your child was teased. Unfortunately, teasing is a part of growing up, but some kids seem to get more than their fair share of insults. If your child appears to be in no immediate danger, keep listening to find out how she reacts to the bullying. By knowing what reaction didn’t stop the bully, you can offer your child a more effective option.

2. Teach a bully-proofing strategy.
What may work with one child may not with another, so it’s best to discuss a range of options and then choose the one or two your child feels most comfortable with. Here are six of the most successful strategies to help kids defend themselves:

• Assert yourself. Teach your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice. Your child should name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop: “That’s teasing. Stop it.” or “Stop making fun of me. It’s mean.”
  
  
• Question the response. Ann Bishop, who teaches violence prevention curriculums, tells her students to respond to an insult with a nondefensive question: “Why would you say that?” or “Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feelings?”
  
  
• Use “I want.” Communication experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with “I want” and say firmly what he wants changed: “I want you to leave me along.” or “I want you to stop teasing me.”
  
  
• Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: “You’re dumb.” Child: “Yeah, but I’m good at it.” or Teaser: “Hey, four eyes.” Child: “You’re right, my eyesight is poor.”
  
  
• Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. A group of fifth graders told me ways they ignore their teasers: “Pretend they’re invisible,” “Walk away without looking at them,” “Quickly look at something else and laugh,” and “Look completely uninterested.”
  
  
• Make Fun of the Teasing. Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find suggests victims answer every tease with a reply, but not tease back. The teasing often stops, Frankel says, because the child lets the tormentor know he’s not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose the teaser says, “You’re stupid.” The child says a rehearsed comeback such as: “Really?” Other comebacks could be: “So?,” “You don’t say,” “And your point is?,” or “Thanks for telling me.”
  

3. Rehearse the strategy with your child.
Once you choose a technique, rehearse it together so your child is comfortable trying it. The trick is for your child to deliver it assuredly to the bully--and that takes practice. Explain that though he has the right to feel angry, it’s not okay to let it get out of control. Besides, anger just fuels the bully. Try teaching your child the CALM approach to defueling the tormentor.

• C - Cool down. When you confront the bully, stay calm and always in control. Don’t let him think he’s getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to twenty slowly inside your head or say to yourself, “Chill out!” And most importantly: tell your child to always get help whenever there is a chance she might be injured.
  
  
• A - Assert yourself. Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.
  
  
• L - Look at the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall.
  
  
• M - Mean it! Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel, but don’t be insulting, threaten or tease back.
  

Final Thoughts
Like it or not, most kids are bound to encounter children who are deliberately mean. By teaching kids effective ways to respond to verbal abuse, we can reduce their chances of being victims as well as helping them learn how to cope more successfully with future adversities. Of course, no child should ever have to deal with ongoing teasing, meanness and harassment. It’s up to adults and kids alike to take an active stand against bullying and stress that cruelty is always unacceptable.

MORAL IQ TIP: Make sure you are positive, affirming role model and surround your child with people of high character.

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Our most important role is raising our kids to become capable, well-adjusted human beings. Here are nine tips adapted from my book Parents Do Make a Difference that enhance our parenting success in reaching that critical goal.

1. The formula for raising well-adjusted kids has two parts: nurture and limits. Is your parenting style evenly balanced between the two parts or are you emphasizing one element more than the other?

2. Good parenting is not about making sure your child is happy. A big part of it is about helping him or her learn to deal confidently with setbacks and adversities that are an inevitable part of life. Constantly rescuing kids from their frustrations does not help them learn critical coping skills.

3. Unspoiled kids have learned to not always put themselves first, but instead to consider the needs of others. Are you emphasizing the virtues of empathy and kindness with your child?

4. Seriously ask yourself, "Am I raising my child to be self-reliant and fiscally capable?" One of our biggest jobs is to help our kids learn to live successfully on their own. Doing so means they will need to learn how to manage their own money and not expect handouts from us.

5. Add "no" to your vocabulary and don't feel guilty about using it with your kids. Always giving kids what they want does not help kids learn that you don't always get what you want in life.

6. Help your child recognize that it really is better to give than to receive by practicing it.

7. The best gifts to give kids are intangible; your child needs your presence more than your presents.

8. Parenting is not a popularity contest! Your child looks to you to be his/her parent more than his/her friend. There are many times that you will have to make choices that aren't always the choices your child will like. Once you make them, stick by them; you are always in charge.

9. Remember: you do make a difference! How your child turns out is greatly determined by what you prioritize and model while he/she is growing up.

The teacher read Alfred’s misbehavior report and shook her head. It was his third playground citation this week and it was always about his derogatory comments. “Alfred you can’t keep saying negative things to people,” she explained. “You’ve got to start acting more respectfully.” “I’ll try,” he sadly responded. “It’s just that I don’t know what respectfully means.”

Teachers everywhere are voicing a concern: far too many of their students do not know the meaning of critical character traits. As a result, a growing number of students are failing in a core subject needed for successful living: solid character. Psychologists tell us one way students learn character traits is by watching others do them right. Recall just a few incidents children have recently seen on national television: a professional baseball player spitting in an umpire’s face and is not held accountable, a champion boxer biting a chunk off his opponent’s ear, the Speaker of the House admitting to an adulterous relationship, the Olympic Committee accused of bribery, and the President of the United States impeached for perjury. Ask yourself, “just who are your students looking to to learn sound character traits?” The answer is troubling.

The breakdown of appropriate role models is certainly not the only reason for the decline in character development. Dr. Thomas Lickona, author of Educating for Character, cites an increase in ten troubling youth trends in our society that point to an overall moral decline: violence and vandalism, stealing, cheating, disrespect for authority, peer cruelty, bigotry, bad language, sexual precocity and abuse, increasing self-centeredness and declining civic responsibility and self-destruction. It’s yet another reason why so many of today’s students lack solid character.

Schools Are the Last Beacon of Hope

The fact is that school may very well be the last beacon of hope for many students. Where else will they have a chance to understand the value of a trait called “responsibility” or “caring” or “respect” or “cooperation?” Where else will they have the opportunity to watch someone model these traits appropriately? The simple truth is, where else but from a caring, committed teacher will many of today’s students have a chance to learn the traits of solid character?
So the question is: how do we help students develop strong character? The answer is found in this premise: character traits are learned, therefore we can teach them. It means that educators have tremendous power because they can teach students critical character traits. And how to build students’ character involves just a few steps.

Five Steps to Teaching Any Character Trait

No matter what character trait you choose to enhance--perseverance, determination, empathy, responsibility, respect, caring or any other--there are five steps to teaching it. The steps can easily be integrated into your lesson plans and each is equally important in ensuring your students develop stronger character. Here are the five teaching steps to teaching any character trait:

Step 1. Accentuate a Character Trait
The first step to teaching any new character trait is simply to accentuate it to students. Many schools have found emphasizing a different character trait each month can be a successful as well as practical strategy. When everyone at the site is reinforcing and modeling the same trait, students are more likely to learn the new character trait. As each new character trait is introduced, a student campaign committee can start a blitz creating banners, signs, and posters to hang up around the school convincing the rest of the students of the trait’s merit. Here are four of the simplest ways to accentuate a character trait:

• Character posters. An easy way to begin your lesson is to ask students to make posters about the trait. Be sure to hang them everywhere and anywhere for at least a month: “Responsibility: It means I’m doing what is right to myself and others and I can be counted on.”
• Character assembly. Many sites introduce the trait at a school-wide assembly. This is the time the staff describes the trait’s value, and even presents a short skit about what the trait looks like.
• Screen savers. Each day, a staff or student writes a brief sentence describing the trait’s benefits on the central screen saver. Anytime anyone anywhere in the school uses the computer, the first thing they see is the screen saver message accentuating the trait: “It’s perseverance month...remember to work your hardest and not give up!”
• PA announcements. Many teachers(and schools!) use the beginning of each day to describe over the loud speaker ways students can demonstrate the selected trait. Names of students “caught demonstrating the trait” can also be announced.
  

Step 2. Tell the Value and Meaning of the Trait
The second step to teaching a character trait is to convey to students exactly what the trait means and why it is important to learn. Explain the trait to your students’ within their realm of experiences never assuming they’ve been exposed to the trait. Many have not. Here are a few ways to define new traits to students:

• Character literature. Choose an appropriate selection that embodies the trait and as you read it, ask: “How did the characters demonstrate the character trait? How did the other characters feel when the character acted…”(name the trait.)
• News articles. Ask students to collect current news articles of real people demonstrating the trait. You might begin each day with a brief review of a real event in the world in which the trait was displayed to confirm the trait’s value.
• Label traits. Whenever you see or hear a student displaying the targeted trait, take a moment to point out specifically what the student did that demonstrated the trait. “Alex, that was respectful because you waited until I was finished talking before you spoke.”
• Share your belief. Students need to hear why you feel the trait is important. Suppose you are targeting respect, you might tell students how adamant you feel about not talking negatively about yourself or others.
• Student reporters. Ask students to begin looking for others demonstrating the trait at the school. Their job is to now report back to the class who demonstrated the trait, what the student did and the effect the student’s actions had on the other individual.
  

Step 3. Teach What the Trait Looks and Sounds Like
There is no perfect way to teach the trait, but research on teaching new skills says telling students how to do the behavior is no where near as important as showing them the behavior. You can make a significant difference by modeling the trait and making your character education lessons as concrete as possible. Here are three ways:

• Trait role plays. Some teachers find it helpful to use another student or colleague to role play what the trait looks like to their students. It’s a simple way to show students exactly what the trait looks and sounds like.
• Character skits. Students can create quick skits about a character trait and perform it at either a school-wide assembly or in each classroom to show other students the value of the trait and as well as what the trait looks and sounds like.
• Trait photographs. Photograph students actually demonstrating the character trait. Develop the pictures, enlarge them on a copying machine and paste them on a chart so they are reminded of what the skill looks like.
  

Step 4. Provide Opportunities to Practice the Trait
Generally students must be provided with frequent opportunities to practice the new behaviors. In fact, learning theory tell us it generally takes 21 days of practice before a new behavior is acquired. This is an important rule to keep in mind as you try these activities with your students. Here’s three ways to help students review their character progress:

• Character videotapes. One of the most unique ways to help students “see” their progress is by having students videotape students demonstrating the trait. The tape is then played and analyzed for all to see.
• Write reflection logs. Students can keep ongoing log of their trait progress by writing each day what one thing they did that day to demonstrate the trait.
• Assign character homework. Character “homework” can be assigned by asking students to practice the skill at home with their family. Home attempts can then be recorded in a notebook.
  

Step 5. Provide Effective Feedback
The final step to teaching any character trait is to reinforce to students appropriate or incorrect trait behavior as soon as convenient. Doing so helps clarify to the student: “You’re on the right track. Keep it up.” or “Almost but this is what to do instead.” Catching students doing a behavior wrong before it becomes a bad habit increases the student’s chances of acquiring more character traits. Here are a few reminders about giving effective feedback:

• Use ‘constructive criticism. If the students’ behavior was correct immediately tell him: “This is what you did right.” If the behavior was wrong tell him what to do make it right: “What you did was not right, but this is what you can do next time.”
• Do on the spot correction. Students benefit from immediate behavior correction. So redo any incorrect behavior with the student “on the spot.”
• Catch positive behaviors. Look for opportunities to “catch them doing the trait right.” When you reinforce character behaviors done correctly, students are more likely to repeat the behavior.
  

Educators Can Make A Difference

With the growing number of today’s students lacking solid character development, it is imperative that schools incorporate ongoing character education. Keep in mind the best character lessons are ones that blend naturally into your existing plans. There are endless ways to use literature, videos, music, quotations, news articles, and historical figures that embody the themes of strong character. Perhaps the simplest way to enhance your students’ character development is to accentuate a character trait each month. Doing so optimizes students’ chances of developing solid character they’ll use not only now but for the rest of their lives. Above all, never forget your own impact on your students’ character development. You do make a difference!

MORAL IQ TIP: You are your child’s first and most powerful moral teacher, so make sure the moral behaviors your kids are picking up from you are ones that you want your child to copy.

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Bullies are becoming an everyday part of our kids’ lives. If we are going to help it is critical that we recognize the signs in our kids and know what to do if your child is becoming the victim of a bully.

• Believe your child. Take his complaints seriously. Don't overreact: listen calmly and encourage him to tell you if it continues.
• Don't blame your child and explain he's not alone. Tell him one out of seven kids is bullied these days.
• Gather facts. Find out who was involved, when and where it happened, how often it happens, and how your child responded to the bully. It will help you determine the problem's severity.
  
• Teach bully-proofing skills. Bullies rarely just go away; kids need to learn ways to deal with them and stop their abuse. Coach a few assertive strategies to your child to empower her to handle the bully.
• Build her self-esteem. Find positive outlets to nurture her self-confidence such as a new friend, martial arts, or a team sport.
• Urge him to stay with others. There is greater safety in numbers: bullies usually pick on single kids. So tell her to head for a crowd.
• Tell her to stay calm. This is hard but bullies love power. When a victim looks upset, it fuels the bully even more.
• Avoid the bully. Bullies usually work in unsupervised spots: help your child find ways to avoid the location.
• Don't tell her to fight back. Experts say it is unwise: your child could be seriously hurt.
• Don't promise to keep it a secret. Explain you may need to report the bully and get help him help.
• Reflect on your child's behavior. Is he doing something that might encourage a bully to pick on him? Do you need to help him change a behavior and learn a more acceptable one?
• Don't make her assume all the responsibility for stopping the bully. In some situations adult intervention is the only way to stop bullying any you might need to do so. Seek the perspective of other adults and ask the teacher for help if it's happening at school.
  

From BUILDING MORAL INTELLIGENCE: THE SEVEN ESSENTIAL VIRTUES THAT TEACH KIDS TO DO THE RIGHT THING (Jossey Bass, 2001) by Michele Borba

SIGNS YOUR CHILD MAY BE BULLIED

• Acting moody, sullen or withdrawn
• Not wanting to go to school; developing real or imaginary physical symptoms to avoid attending.
• Becoming depressed
• Losing interest in school work
• Losing appetite and having difficulty getting to sleep
• Waiting to use the bathroom at home
• Arriving home with torn clothes or bruises
• Asking for extra money for school lunch or supplies
• Wanting to carry some form of protection

Source: Dr. Laura DeHaan, assistant professor of child development at North Dakota State University.

MORAL IQ TIP: Make sure you are positive, affirming role model and surround your child with people of high character.

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Our most important role is raising our kids to become capable, well-adjusted human beings. Here are nine tips adapted from my book Parents Do Make a Difference that enhance our parenting success in reaching that critical goal.

1. The formula for raising well-adjusted kids has two parts: nurture and limits. Is your parenting style evenly balanced between the two parts or are you emphasizing one element more than the other?

2. Good parenting is not about making sure your child is happy. A big part of it is about helping him or her learn to deal confidently with setbacks and adversities that are an inevitable part of life. Constantly rescuing kids from their frustrations does not help them learn critical coping skills.

3. Unspoiled kids have learned to not always put themselves first, but instead to consider the needs of others. Are you emphasizing the virtues of empathy and kindness with your child?

4. Seriously ask yourself, "Am I raising my child to be self-reliant and fiscally capable?" One of our biggest jobs is to help our kids learn to live successfully on their own. Doing so means they will need to learn how to manage their own money and not expect handouts from us.

5. Add "no" to your vocabulary and don't feel guilty about using it with your kids. Always giving kids what they want does not help kids learn that you don't always get what you want in life.

6. Help your child recognize that it really is better to give than to receive by practicing it.

7. The best gifts to give kids are intangible; your child needs your presence more than your presents.

8. Parenting is not a popularity contest! Your child looks to you to be his/her parent more than his/her friend. There are many times that you will have to make choices that aren't always the choices your child will like. Once you make them, stick by them; you are always in charge.

9. Remember: you do make a difference! How your child turns out is greatly determined by what you prioritize and model while he/she is growing up.

MORAL IQ TIP: Look for ways for your child to do kindly deeds, not just in your home but also in your community. For example: taking extra toys to a children's ward in a hospital, working at a soup kitchen, planting flowers at a shelter, or reading to the elderly. The more your child experiences the miracles of kindness when young, the greater the likelihood that she will make kindness a habit for life.

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These warning signs of violence were developed by the U.S. Department of Education
If you have ANY concerns about your child, seek help immediately. Please, don't wait.

• Social withdrawal
• Excessive feelings of isolation or rejection
• Being a victim of violence
• Feelings of being picked on and persecuted
• Uncontrolled anger
• Low school interest and poor academic performance
• Impulsive and chronic hitting, intimidating, bullying
• Expression of violence in writings and drawings
• History of discipline problems
• Past history of violent and aggressive behavior
• Drug use and alcohol use
• Affiliation with gangs
• Inappropriate access to, possession of, and use of firearms
• Intolerance for differences, prejudicial attitudes
• Serious threats of violence.