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Many parents have come to recognize the harmful effects of physical punishment. They have learned that slapping, hitting, and spanking teach violence, destroy the child’s self-esteem, create anger, interfere with learning, and damage the relationship between parent and child.

But knowing what not to do is only the first step. Parents who want to avoid punishment wonder what they should do instead. Unfortunately, most parenting books and articles recommend "alternatives" which we can see on closer inspection are merely alternative types of punishment. These include so-called "logical" consequences, time-out, and denial of privileges.

All of these methods have much in common with physical punishment, and all give the same messages: that the parent has no interest in the underlying unmet needs that led to the behavior, and that the parent is willing to take advantage of his greater size and power over the child. Above all, they tell the child that the people he has come to love and trust wish to cause him pain. This is a "crazy-making" message, because it is so alien to the child’s intuitive understanding about what love should look like. Finally, all of these approaches miss the best opportunities for learning, because they sidetrack the child into fantasies of revenge, where he is too distracted to focus on the real issue at hand. Real alternatives to punishment are those that help the child to learn and to grow in a healthy way. There are few greater joys in life than allowing our child to teach us what love is.

Here are ten alternatives that give the child only positive, loving messages:

1. Prevent unwanted behavior from occurring by meeting your child’s needs when they are first expressed. This is perhaps the very best approach. It not only prevents misbehavior, it tells the child that you truly love and care for her. With her current needs met, she is free to move on to the next stage of learning.

2. Provide a safe, child-friendly environment. There is little point in having precious items within the reach of a toddler, when they can be put away until the child is old enough to handle them carefully. For older children, provide opportunities for active play.

3. Apply the Golden Rule. Think about how you would like to be treated if you were to find yourself in the same circumstances as your child, then treat your child that way. Human nature is human nature, regardless of age.

4. Show empathy for your child’s feelings. Even if the child’s behavior seems illogical, the underlying feelings and needs are real and need to be taken seriously. Saying things like, "You really look unhappy" is a good way to show a child that you care about their needs and feelings.

5. Validate your child’s feelings so he knows that we understand and care, that it is acceptable to have whatever feelings are present, and that he will never be rejected for having any particular kinds of feelings. For example, "That scared me too."

6. Meet the underlying need that led to the behavior in the first place. If we punish the outward behavior, the still unmet need will continually resurface in other ways until it is finally met. An example here would be, "Are you feeling sad because your friend moved away?"

7. Stay on your child’s side. Whenever possible, find a "win-win" solution that meets everyone’s needs. To learn conflict resolution skills, consider a course in Nonviolent Communication^SM.¹

8. Reassure your child that she is loved and appreciated. So-called bad behavior is often the child’s attempt to express her need for more love and attention, in the best way that she can at that moment. If she could express this need in a more mature way, she would do so. For example, you might ask, "Would you like to read a book with me so we can have some time together?"

9. Provide positive alternative experiences and productive activities. Offer crayons, read a story, put a young child in the tub for water play, or enjoy a walk outside together. This can shift the focus away from a situation that has become too stressful to resolve at that moment: "Let’s make some play dough!"

10. Ask yourself "Will I look back at this later and laugh?" If so, why not laugh now? Seize the opportunity to create the kind of memory you will want to have when you look back on this day. The most challenging situations can be defused by the timely use of good-natured humor: "Oh, no, you and your brother painted each other green? Wait, let me get the camera!"

In these ways, we can best bring about the genuine cooperation that we seek. But our greatest reward will be a life-long, mutually loving and trusting bond with our child.

In Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Finland, Iceland, Croatia, Cyprus, Latvia, Italy, Israel, Germany and Austria, it is illegal for a parent, teacher, or anyone else to spank a child. In some states and provinces, it is only illegal for a teacher to spank. In all areas of North America, physical punishment by a parent, as long as it is not severe, is still seen by many as necessary discipline, and condoned, or sadly, even encouraged.

For the past several years, many psychiatrists, sociological researchers, and parents have recommended that we seriously consider banning the physical punishment of children. The most important reason, according to Dr. Peter Newell, coordinator of the organization End Punishment of Children (EPOCH)¹, is that "all people have the right to protection of their physical integrity, and children are people too."²

1. Hitting children teaches them to become hitters themselves. Extensive research data is now available to support a direct correlation between corporal punishment in childhood and aggressive or violent behavior in the teenage and adult years. Virtually all of the most dangerous criminals were regularly threatened and punished in childhood. It is nature's plan that children learn attitudes and behaviors through observation and imitation of their parents' actions, for good or ill. Thus it is the responsibility of parents to set an example of empathy and wisdom.

2. In many cases of so-called "bad behavior", the child is simply responding in the only way he can, given his age and experience, to neglect of basic needs. Among these needs are: proper sleep and nutrition, treatment of hidden allergy, fresh air, exercise, and sufficient freedom to explore the world around him. But his greatest need is for his parents' undivided attention. In these busy times, few children receive sufficient time and attention from their parents, who are often too distracted by their own problems and worries to treat their children with patience and empathy. It is surely wrong and unfair to punish a child for responding in a natural way to having important needs neglected. For this reason, punishment is not only ineffective in the long run, it is also clearly unjust.

3. Punishment distracts the child from learning how to resolve conflict in an effective and humane way. As the educator John Holt wrote, "When we make a child afraid, we stop learning dead in its tracks."  A punished child becomes preoccupied with feelings of anger and fantasies of revenge, and is thus deprived of the opportunity to learn more effective methods of solving the problem at hand. Thus, a punished child learns little about how to handle or prevent similar situations in the future. 

4. “Spare the rod and spoil the child”, though much quoted, is in fact a misinterpretation of Biblical teaching. While the “rod” is mentioned many times in the Bible, it is only in the Book of Proverbs that this word is used in connection with parenting. The book of Proverbs is attributed to Solomon, an extremely cruel man whose harsh methods of discipline led his own son, Rehoboam, to become a tyrannical and oppressive dictator who only narrowly escaped being stoned to death for his cruelty. In the Bible there is no support for harsh discipline outside of Solomon’s Proverbs. By contrast, the writings in the Gospels, the most important books in the Bible for Christians, contain the teachings of Jesus Christ, who urged mercy, forgiveness, humility, and non-violence. Jesus saw children as being close to God, and urged love, never punishment.³

5. Punishment interferes with the bond between parent and child, as it is not human nature to feel loving toward someone who hurts us. The true spirit of cooperation which every parent desires can arise only through a strong bond based on mutual feelings of love and respect. Punishment, even when it appears to work, can produce only superficially good behavior based on fear, which can only take place until the child is old enough to resist. In contrast, cooperation based on respect will last permanently, bringing many years of mutual happiness as the child and parent grow older.

6. Many parents never learned in their own childhood that there are positive ways of relating to children. When punishment does not accomplish the desired goals, and if the parent is unaware of alternative methods, punishment can escalate to more frequent and dangerous actions against the child.

7. Anger and frustration which cannot be safely expressed by a child become stored inside; angry teenagers do not fall from the sky. Anger that has been accumulating for many years can come as a shock to parents whose child now feels strong enough to express this rage. Punishment may appear to produce "good behavior" in the early years, but always at a high price, paid by parents and by society as a whole, as the child enters adolescence and early adulthood.

8. Spanking on the buttocks, an erogenous zone in childhood, can create in the child's mind an association between pain and sexual pleasure, and lead to difficulties in adulthood. "Spanking wanted" ads in alternative newspapers attest to the sad consequences of this confusion of pain and pleasure. If a child receives little parental attention except when being punished, this will further merge the concepts of pain and pleasure in the child's mind. A child in this situation will have little self-esteem, believing he deserves nothing better. For more on this topic, see "The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children"(also in French).

Even relatively moderate spanking can be physically dangerous. Blows to the lower end of the spinal column send shock waves along the length of the spine, and may injure the child. The prevalence of lower back pain among adults in our society may well have its origins in childhood punishment. Some children have become paralyzed through nerve damage from spanking, and some have died after mild paddlings, due to undiagnosed medical complications.

9. Physical punishment gives the dangerous and unfair message that "might makes right", that it is permissible to hurt someone else, provided they are smaller and less powerful than you are. The child then concludes that it is permissible to mistreat younger or smaller children. When he becomes an adult, he can feel little compassion for those less fortunate than he is, and fears those who are more powerful. This will hinder the establishment of meaningful relationships so essential to an emotionally fulfilling life.

10. Because children learn through parental modeling, physical punishment gives the message that hitting is an appropriate way to express feelings and to solve problems. If a child does not observe a parent solving problems in a creative and humane way, it can be difficult for him to learn to do this himself. For this reason, unskilled parenting often continues into the next generation.

Gentle instruction, supported by a strong foundation of love and respect, is the only truly effective way to bring about commendable behavior based on strong inner values, instead of superficially "good" behavior based only on fear.

We hear it all the time, when spanking is mentioned. Someone steps forward and says something like this:

"Well, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I was spanked, and I’m fine. We all know that sometimes spanking is necessary for solving problems with kids. And since it’s both necessary and harmless, it should be allowed and even encouraged."

At face value, this seems to be an airtight case; a perfectly logical justification of spanking as part of the necessary discipline of children. And a lot of people see it that way. But is it really so logical? Is spanking necessary? And is it as harmless as so many believe it to be?

Let’s examine the argument:

• "I was spanked." (fact)
• "I'm fine." (opinion)
• "Sometimes spanking is necessary for solving problems with kids." (false assumption)
• "Since it's both necessary and harmless, it should be allowed and even encouraged." (illogical conclusion)

Now let’s consider a similar argument that seems to justify smoking:

• "George Burns smoked all his life from his teenage years on." (fact)
• "He was in reasonably good health all his life and lived to be 100." (fact)
• "Sometimes smoking is necessary for coping with life's problems." (false assumption)
• "It should be allowed and even encouraged." (illogical conclusion)

This analogy should help to make it clear that the spanking argument, like the one on smoking, is based on false assumptions and leads to illogical conclusions. Some children, like some smokers, are less affected than others because of a natural emotional resiliency, just as Mr. Burns must have had physical resilience. Some children, like some smokers, are less harmed than others because of mitigating factors, such as the presence of other adults who treat them with love and care. To the extent that a spanked child is really "fine", it is in spite of, not because of, the punishments they have received. Mr. Burns must have had mitigating factors too. Perhaps his strict regimen of daily exercise helped him to fare better than other smokers, or perhaps he inherited a strong constitution. And research shows that laughter can be an important healer, and that many professional comedians live long lives.

For many reasons, George Burns was one of the survivors among frequent smokers. And for many reasons, there are also "survivors" of spanking. But we can never know just how much happier and more fulfilled they might have been had they been gently guided instead of being punished - any more than we can know just how much healthier Mr. Burns might have been had he never smoked a cigarette or a cigar. Would he have lived even longer, entertaining more people and writing more of his delightful books? Would he have brought joy, laughter, charm and wisdom to yet another generation? Sadly, we will never know.

Like smoking, spanking is not only harmful, it is entirely unnecessary, because there are far more effective and emotionally healthy alternatives. And these alternatives work in the long-term (which spanking does not) because they establish a pattern of good behavior that is motivated by the simple, genuine desire to reciprocate love. As Dr. Elliott Barker has written, "Kids who have their needs met early by loving parents ... are subjected totally and thoroughly to the most effective form of ‘discipline’ conceivable: they don’t do what you don’t want them to do because they love you so much!"

Behavior that is based on fear can last only until the child is old enough not to fear defying the parent. Punishment builds anger and resentment within the child that will inevitably be expressed at a future time (angry teenagers do not fall from the sky). In contrast, behavior that is based on mutual love and trust will last through all the years of a child’s life, and through the entire length of the parent-child relationship. There is little that is more rewarding for a parent than the enjoyment of an enduring, loving and close tie with their child over many years.

Given all of this, let’s revise the spanking argument:

• I was spanked.
• I'm fine, but I wish I were happier and more productive, and better able to love and trust others.
• Since spanking is both unnecessary and harmful, it should never be allowed. Our government, like those in many European nations, should actively and strongly discourage it.

Spanking, like all other forms of punishment, such as time-out and consequences, can only bring about temporary and superficially "good" behavior based on threats and fear. As John Holt reminded us years ago, "When we make a child afraid, we stop learning dead in its tracks."

Gentle, loving, and respectful guidance is the only truly effective way to help a child to grow and develop to his full potential as a loving and trusting adult. Spanking is unnecessary, harmful, disrespectful, and unfair. Let’s stop doing it!

One Sunday evening in August of 1986, Rick Lahrson, of Portland, Oregon, was seated at a restaurant. He was enjoying some coffee and looking over the menu, when he overheard parents berating their children. With a heavy heart, he listened to the steady stream of hurtful messages and threats, the tension mounting with every word they spoke. It was clear to Lahrson that this was not the momentary lapse of patience that all parents experience. Rather, it seemed to reflect the parents' usual way of relating to their children. The three children, about ages three to six, appeared to have already lost some of their spark.

Lahrson found this experience so painful that he could not bring himself to order a meal, and felt that he had to leave the restaurant. As he later described it, "These kids were absolutely delightful, but the parents just couldn't see it. They were suffocating the life out of these children and it was just so wrong. I'd witnessed the same thing so often, that I just couldn't take it any longer."

As he started to leave the restaurant, he could see that the hostess was watching the scene with a frown. Lahrson commented to her, "Somebody has to break that cycle." Within a few steps, he realized what he had just said and knew that he had made a personal commitment. By the fall of that year, The Kids' Project was underway. It became a non-profit organization, dedicated to creating a world in which children are treated with dignity and respect. Lahrson’s goal was to break the cycle of child abuse by changing adults' perceptions of children. As he explained at the time, "Human beings are not born questioning their own worth. Infants have an abundance of what we call self-esteem. They are uninhibited, avid learners with no hidden agendas and no need to compensate for lost self-esteem or to covertly manipulate others."

It was Lahrson’s hope to bring about a transformation in our thinking and in our interactions with children so that "every man, woman and child will be recognized as a complete, loving human being with the ability and desire to be a contribution to others. Crime, war, poverty and fear will be things of the past."

These may sound like lofty goals, but many psychologists believe that such difficulties as drug, alcohol and nicotine dependence and sociopathic behaviors stem from the unmet needs of our earliest years. Loving and respectful treatment of children is absolutely critical to their future happiness and to the welfare of society as a whole. Yet parents who were not given love and respect in childhood have not learned how to do this. Are we then locked into inadequate or abusive parenting, generation after generation? What can we as a society do to break free from this heartbreaking pattern?

Lahrson listed the following set of beliefs as a starting point for transforming our consciousness about children:

• Children, from before birth, have the same ability to think and to feel that adults have, minus the experience, and allowing for stages of development.
    
• Children have a voracious appetite for learning, and they learn best the things they learn first. Children, like adults, learn mostly by example and experience.
    
• Children have a drive to love other people and to be a contribution to the people around them.
    
• Children offer a joyful zest for life and a fresh point of view.
    
• Children are empirical scientists of the first order. A child's logic is flawless, based on his or her experience and stage of development.
    
• Children are frequently misunderstood in their early communications, and are often squelched, rather than listened to fairly.
    
• Misbehavior in children is an attempt to communicate, when all else has failed.

Clearly, our interpretation of a child's intentions will have a significant effect on our relationship with them and their own view of themselves. This belief in our child's intentions can lead to an upward spiral of good will: the more we trust the child, the more loving and cooperative he becomes, and the easier it becomes for us to trust him in the future.

As the educator John Holt stated, "All I am saying can be summed up in two words: trust Children. Nothing could be more simple – or more difficult. Difficult, because to trust children we must trust ourselves – and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted."