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Although there are many formal and acceptable definitions of child abuse, the following is offered as a guide.

Child abuse consists of any act of commission or omission that endangers or impairs a child's physical or emotional health and development. Child abuse includes any damage done to a child that cannot be reasonably explained and is often represented by an injury, or series of injuries, appearing to be non-accidental in nature.

Major forms of child abuse:

Physical - Any non-accidental injury to a child. This includes hitting, kicking, slapping, shaking, burning, pinching, hair pulling, biting, choking, throwing, shoving, whipping and paddling.

Sexual - Any sexual act between an adult and child. This includes fondling, penetration, intercourse, exploitation, pornography, exhibitionism, child prostitution, group sex, oral sex or forced observation of sexual acts.

Neglect - Failure to provide for a child's physical needs. This includes lack of supervision, inappropriate housing or shelter, inadequate provision of food, inappropriate clothing for season or weather, abandonment, denial of medical care and inadequate hygiene.

Emotional - Any attitude or behavior that interferes with a child's mental health or social development. This includes yelling, screaming, name-calling, shaming, negative comparisons to others, telling them they are "bad, no good, worthless" or "a mistake". It also includes the failure to provide the affection and support necessary for the development of a child's emotional, social, physical and intellectual well-being. This includes ignoring, lack of appropriate physical affection (hugs), not saying "I love you," withdrawal of attention, lack of praise and lack of positive reinforcement.

Protect Your Child

Any child could be the victim of sexual abuse. You can help protect your child by:

• Respecting and supporting your child’s choice to NOT kiss other adults, even grandparents, aunts and uncles.
• Teaching your child that we do not say, “I love you” to everybody, only to people who are really special in our lives.
• Teaching the real names of body parts. Teaching that “private parts” are the parts of your body covered by underwear and bathing suits.
• Letting your child know that grown-ups are not always right. There are times when it is OK to say NO to a grown-up. Allow your child to say no to you sometimes.
• Helping your child know that children never “make” grown-ups do anything. The adult is always responsible for his/her own actions.
• Making time to listen to your child. Let him/her tell you about the things that bother or upset him/her. BELIEVE what your child is saying.
• Teaching your child about touch that is good and touch that is WRONG.
• Use role-play to help your child fully understand how others may trick them to get what they want.
• Remembering that your child needs practice and reminders to really learn.
• Help your child make a list of grownups that he/she can trust if he/she needs help.
• Knowing the people who are with your child. Meet your child’s friends and their parents. Know who will be with your child when you are not and don’t be afraid to ask questions. If a person or situation makes you uncomfortable, don’t think you have to accept it.
• Monitor your child’s computer activities. Know with whom he/she is chatting with online.

Things to say to your child:

• I love you.
• That’s great!
• ou look terrific.
• You’re very special.
• I like your smile.
• Let’s talk.
• How can we fix it?
• Give it your best.
• I am so proud of you.
• I believe you can do it.
• Thanks for your help.
• Don’t give up.
• You are what matters.
• You are not alone.
• We can do it together.

 

Many parents feel apprehensive about teaching their children the dangers of possible abduction and how to protect themselves from dangerous people and situations. Parents often worry that they will unnecessarily frighten their children. However, consider this…parents teach their children the dangers of crossing a busy street, of cooking on a hot stove, of using sharp scissors. Children learn to accomplish these tasks safely and confidently. They do not become afraid of streets, stoves, and scissors. Similarly, you can teach your children to protect themselves from dangerous people and to help themselves in a bad situation.

Studies show that 70% of American children are afraid of being abducted and/or harmed by a stranger. By teaching your children the following survival skills, you will be helping them deal with this fear by giving them a sense of confidence, security, and strength.

• Remember that carnivals, fairs, public restrooms, and malls are the most common places where abductions occur.
• Always go with your child to the restroom when in a public place.
• Never leave your child alone in a car.
• Establish a family password and make sure the children know that no one will ever come to pick them up in your place without knowing the password.
• Teach children that they have rights, even the right to say "No!" to adults in certain situations…including adults who want to do something that makes the child feel funny or uncomfortable or those who want the child to go somewhere with them that hasn’t been approved by their parents.
• Admit to your child when you are wrong about something. This shows your child that adults are not always right.
• Be sure your children understand what a stranger is and realizes that is it almost impossible to tell by appearances which strangers may try to hurt them. Teach them that they are never to get in cars with strangers or accept gifts from them.
• Potential abductors often ask children to do favors for them. Tell your child that no matter what a person says, the child should never go with anyone unless you have given the child permission, or the person gives the correct code word.
• Teach children to stay at least two arms’ lengths away from a person, or a person’s car, that they are unsure of. Tell them to never lean into a stranger’s car window, for any reason.
• Practice with children what they should do if they get separated from you in a store or a crowd. Tell children to go to a sales clerk or checkout counter to get help…do not wander around the store or go out into the parking lot.
• Never leave children unattended in a car.
• Be sure that your child’s school or day care provider knows who is allowed to pick up your child and that they are not to release the child to anyone else.
• Keep records on your child which include their fingerprints, blood type, lock of hair, recent picture, (children under 2 years of age should have a picture taken every three months), and dental records. FINGERPRINTS MUST BE TAKEN BY A PROFESSIONAL IN THE FIELD OR THEY WILL DO YOU NO GOOD.
• Be sure your child does not wear any clothing item which has his name printed on it, since this makes it easier for a stranger to convince your child he is a friend.
• Instruct children not to answer the door when they are home alone but to go to the phone, be ready to dial "911," and turn on a television or stereo to make noise if someone tries to break in. Teach them not to tell people on the phone that they are home alone.
• Show your child the homes and shops in your neighborhood that are safe places to seek help in case of danger.
• Make sure your children know their full names, phone numbers (including area code), how to dial an operator, and their full addresses (including the state).
• If you are divorced or separated, be sure that you have legal documents stating the custody situation. Be sure you know your separated partner’s address, car make and license number.
• Assure your children ever change you get that you love and care about them.
• Urge your local school to conduct safety programs.
• Meet with mall and store managers to arrange that store doors would be immediately closed and locked if a child is reported missing.

 

8 Safety Rules for Kids

1. Before I go anywhere, I check first with my parents or the person in charge. I will tell them where I am going, how I will get there, who will be going with me, and when I’ll be back.
2. I check first for permission from my parents before getting into a car or leaving with anyone - even someone I know. I check first before changing plans or accepting money, gifts, or medicine without my parents knowledge.
3. It is safer for me to be with other people when going places or playing outside. I always use the "buddy system".
4. I say "NO" if someone tries to touch me in ways that make me feel frightened, uncomfortable, or confused. Then I go and tell a grown-up I trust what happened.
5. I know it is not may fault if someone touches me in a way that is not okay. I don’t have too keep secrets about those touches.
6. I trust my feelings and talk to grown-ups about problems that are too big for me to handle on my own. A lot of people care about me and will listen and believe me. I am not alone.
7. It is never too late to ask for help. I can keep asking until I get the help I need.
8. I am a special person, and I deserve to feel safe. My rules are:

• Check first.
• Use the "buddy system".
• Say "NO", get away, tell someone.
• Listen to my feelings, and talk with grown-ups I trust about my problems and concern.

 

How To Get Away!

• Teach children to yell from their diaphragm, not scream, if they need help. Yelling is distinct and easily identified from the typical high-pitched screaming children do as they play. Practice with them so they will feel comfortable yelling if anyone tries to take them away.
• If someone grabs your child from behind and tries to cover their mouth, teach him/her to grab the abductor’s little finger and pull it as far back as they can, while yelling for help.
• Teach children that they should try anything possible to keep an abductor from taking them away to a secluded area. Even if the abductor has a weapon, he/she is much less likely to hurt the child in public. The child’s chances of serious injury and death are multiplied if the abductor is able to get them to a secluded area.
• Teach children that they can be strong! They should always fight if someone tries to grab them. Teach them to stomp their heel on the abductor’s instep, scrape his/her shin with their heel, poke their fingers in the abductor’s eyes, use house keys, pencils, or anything else they may have as weapons.
• If someone begins following your child in a car, teach your child to turn and run the opposite direction that the car is facing. The time that is takes the car to turn around could be the few minutes your child needs to bet to a safe location.

Motor vehicle crashes are a leading cause of death of children. If all kids rode buckled in child safety seats, 53,000 injuries could be prevented and 500 lives could be saved each year.

Even if you are traveling only a short distance with your child in the car, always properly restrain your child. Infants under 20 lbs. should be placed in a rear-facing safety seat. Children 20 - 40 lbs. should be placed in a forward-facing child safety seat. Children over 40 lbs.

can ride in a specially designed safety booster seat or restrained with a buckled seat belt.

While parents are well-advised to use child safety seats, misuse of them has been a problem. The two most frequent forms of misuse are (1) failure to buckle the child in the child seat, and (2) failure to buckle the child seat to the vehicle. Also, infant carriers, portable beds and similar devices should never be used in a motor vehicle. They are not a replacement for child safety seats.

DO NOT PLACE A REAR-FACING INFANT SEAT IN A SEATING POSITION EQUIPPED WITH AN AIR BAG. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration advises that rear-facing infant seats be placed only in the rear seats of vehicles, not in the front passenger seats. While air bags have proven to be tremendous lifesavers, they don’t mix with infant seats.

The safest place for any kind on child safety seat is the center of the rear seat. That is the farthest point from the most common type of crash (frontal), and provides the safest distance from side impacts as well.

It is understandable that many parents wish to have the kids where they can be seen. For this reason, marketers are now selling mirrors that allow visual contact while the child safety seat is in the rear of the vehicle.

Source: "Operation Buckle Down Dispatch," National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, July 1992.

 

It can be very difficult to watch the mistreatment of a child by an adult out of control. There are things you can do to help.

• Strike up a conversation with the adult. See if you can redirect his/her attention away from the child.

  "He seems to be trying your patience."

  "Looks like your little girl is having a hard time."

  "My child used to get upset like that."

• Praise the child or parent at the first opportunity.

  "What a beautiful child you have.

  How old is she?"

• Avoid negative remarks or looks. These reactions are more likely to increase the parent’s anger and could make matters worse for the child.

• If the child is in danger, offer your assistance. For example, if the child is left unattended, stand by the child until the parent returns.

• If you have witnessed child abuse, call Child Protective Services or the local Police Department.

Here are a few tips to help keep your child’s online experience a safe and enjoyable one.

• Make sure your child doesn’t spend all of his/her time on the computer. Help them to find a balance between computing and other activities.
• Make sure your child knows not to share personal information, such as their name, address, telephone number or school name with anyone online.
• Make sure your child doesn’t send anyone his/her picture, credit card or bank information without checking with you first.
• People, not computers, should be their best friends and companions.
• Keep the computer in a main family area such as in a family room, kitchen or living room, not in your child’s bedroom. Watch your child when they are online and monitor the sites and areas they access.
• Learn enough about computers so you can enjoy them together with your kids.
• Make sure that your child feels comfortable coming to you with questions about their online experiences and activities. Make sure they notify you if he/she sees distasteful pictures or language on the Internet.
• Make sure your child uses caution when someone offers them something for free.
• Get to know their "online" friends just as you get to know all of their other friends.
• Make sure your child never gives out his/her password even to a close friend, and that their password is changed frequently.
• Encourage discussions between you and your child about what they enjoy most online.

Blocking & Filtering Software

Several software programs exist that aid parents in controlling the Internet content available to their children. Some programs are listed below and can perform one or more of the following functions: block access to adult sites, rate sites based on adult content, establish time controls for individual users, block usage after a particular time of night.

• Bess
• Cyber Patrol
• CyberSitter
• Kinderguard
• Microsoft Plus for Kids
• Times Up!
• Web Sense

Have your kids make the online pledge:

My Online Pledge:

• I promise to never give my name, address, phone number, school’s name, computer passwords, or picture to anyone on the Internet without my parents’ approval.

• I promise to tell a parent or teacher if I see any bad language or pictures on the Internet, or if anyone makes me feel uncomfortable or nervous online.

• I promise to stay out of any chat rooms and/or web sites not approved of by my parents.

• I promise not to meet face to face with someone I meet on the Internet without telling my parents first and getting their approval, and I promise that any approved meeting shall be in a public place with my parents present.

• I promise to be online only during the times and days my parents, school, and I set aside for using the Internet.

____________________________

Child’s Signature

Sexual abuse of children is a widespread and tragic problem -- affecting children of all ages and from all walks of life. Children may be abused by strangers…but that is rare. More often, they are abused by someone they know and trust: a relative, friend, scout leader, parent, neighbor, coach, baby sitter. Sexual abuse is not usually a violent act. The child is involved in "games" or seduction over a period of time.

It is also a secret problem-children often do not tell anyone. Sometimes they don’t say anything because they don’t want to upset their parents or are so very embarrassed. Children often think-and are told-that what is happening is their own fault. Or they may believe that on one cares what happens to them. They might be frightened by the abuser’s threats to harm family members if the child tells "the secret." Young children may not even know there is something to tell; they are taught to respect and obey adults, who "know best."

Then, how can I know if my child has been sexually abused?

Because it is hard for most of us to even think about the possibility that our children could have been sexually abused, it is important to know the physical signs and changes in your child’s behavior that might indicate they have been. These are "warning signals." While there are causes other than sexual abuse for many of these signs, they should arouse concern and be looked into.

Physical Signs.

Any of these signs should lead you to take your child for a medical exam. Whether or not they are the result of sexual abuse, they should be medically treated.

• Irritated or itching genitals or anus
• Pain or injury to areas of the genitals or the mouth
• Urinary infection, difficulty with urination
• Unusual and offensive odors
• Cuts and bruises
• Vaginal or penile discharge
• Pregnancy
• Venereal disease (children cannot catch venereal disease from nonsexual means.)

Changes in Behavior.

Often there are no physical signs when a child has been sexually abused. Behavior changes are more common. For example:

• Reluctance or fear of a person or certain places, such as showers and washrooms.
• Clinging, anxious, irritable behavior.
• Going back to babyish habits like thumb sucking.
• Sudden self-consciousness about genitals.
• Fear of examinations of the mouth.
• Sudden interest in other’s genitals, sexual acts and sexual words.
• Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age.
• Acting out sexual or abusive behavior with toys, animals or people.
• Nightmares, bedwetting, fear of the dark, difficulty falling asleep, or other new fears.
• Increase or decrease in appetite.
• Drawings that are scary or use a lot of black and red.
• Vehement over-reaction when the child is questioned about being touched.

What if I’m just not sure?

The one most reliable and most common sign of sexual abuse is that the child says so. You may need to "open the door" for your child to tell you. Sometimes children talk in a "roundabout" way and you have to listen carefully for the clues. For example, "I don’t like to be alone with Mrs. Smith" or "Mr. Jones acts funny with me."

Be careful not to plant ideas in the child’s mind or to suggest what you expect to hear. You will get further, and get a more accurate example, "Something is bothering you. Can you tell me about it?" "I’d like to know more about this." Be very patient; take plenty of time; don’t push and prod.

Stay as calm as possible. Children often stop talking if they think that what they are saying makes you upset. You may need to have your child examined by a doctor or talk to a counselor who specializes in child sexual abuse. (Your local law enforcement office and Child Abuse Council can help with referrals.)

What if my child does tell me about being sexually abused?

• Believe your child. Accept what your child tells you; don’t deny or ignore it. If in doubt, err on the child’s side.
• Allow your child to talk, but don’t press. If you insist that your child tell you over and over about the specifics, she or he may clam up and may not be able to explain as well to authorities who need to be involved.
• Protect your child immediately from the suspected offender. You can start repairing the damage at once by assuring your child that the abuse will not continue. Assure your child that it is not his or her fault, that you are glad she or he told, and that there are many people who will help your family.
• While reassuring that you will do everything you can to protect your child, don’t promise anything that you can’t control. For example, don’t promise that the offender will go to jail-or won’t go to jail; the court systems has control over that.
• Immediately report the abuse. Call 911 or the non-emergency number for local law enforcement.

It was ten o'clock at night. Little Aaron, about five, was ahead of me in a long line of people waiting to look through the telescope at the Nature Center. His mother, I was happy to see, was holding him and laughing with him about something he'd just said. But soon Aaron became restless, as children will when they have spent a late hour waiting in a long line, and was being warned to keep quiet.
At the first signs of impatience, his mother spoke kindly: "The telescope won't go away. You'll get a chance to look through it." However, she neglected to validate his feelings. She didn't say: "It's so hard to wait for something you've looked forward to for so long." Aaron began to play with his mother's nose, twisting it this way and that, while making a sort of whooshing, humming noise like a UFO hovering over us. As the nose attacks and sound effects continued, his mother struggled to free herself and to quiet her son. She tried reasoning with him: "For a child who loves space as much as you do, you'd think you could be more patient to get to the telescope!" Reasoning didn’t work, and as is often the case with children, it just made matters worse. Aaron screamed, "I hate the stars! I want to go!" His mother became annoyed with him, and began to react with anger: "Stop that, Aaron!" And soon: "Stop that, right now!" and finally: "Do you want to have any fun tomorrow?!" That took Aaron over the edge. He started crying hard, and they left for home. A child who loved space lost a chance to have a good look at it.	Children are human beings just as we are, and behave in accordance to how they are treated, just as we do.
A child’s rambunctiousness in public embarrasses parents, because our society expects children to remain silent and to behave as though they are mature adults - a most unrealistic and uncaring expectation. Expecting the impossible can of course only lead to disappointment and frustration for both parents and children. Just like adults, children feel most cooperative when treated with kindness, understanding, and faith in their inherent good intentions. No adult feels cooperative when treated in a threatening, angry way by a spouse, employer, or friend. In fact, we feel hurt and resentful when treated that way, and far from cooperating, we often resist or retaliate. Why then do we expect children to respond with good behavior when treated with anger, threats, or punishment? The deepest mystery of parenting is that we often miss the truth about children's behavior, and yet it is so simple. Children are human beings just as we are, and behave in accordance to how they are treated, just as we do. We seldom stop to consider that this is simply an inexperienced human being with real feelings, who is doing the best he can do, given all the circumstances of his life up to that moment. For how could he do any more? And why would he do any less? Everything a child does makes sense if we look at things from his point of view; there is a valid reason for everything a child does. Aaron was understandably excited about this adventure, and if his excitement had been more fully accepted and validated, would surely have found the long wait less stressful.

Children deserve our best efforts to give them love and understanding at all times.

As a child advocate, what could I have said to Aaron’s mother? I might have validated Aaron’s feelings and offered a solution to his mother. To Aaron, I might have said, "It’s so hard to wait when you’re looking forward to something!" To his mother, I could have said "You know, airlines have the right idea; they always board children first. Why don't I ask if you could go to the head of the line?" I could have offered help: "It’s so hard for children to wait in long lines. If you'd like to take him for a walk, I'll be glad to hold your place." Or I might simply have encouraged her: "It's so hard for a child to be quiet and patient at the end of a long day, waiting to do something exciting. I think he's doing really well!" I could have said any of these things, if only I had thought of them at the time. There is such a taboo against intervening in one another's parenting that we often overlook ways in which we can be helpful.

Children deserve our best efforts to give them love and understanding at all times, even when - especially when - they are not behaving as we would wish. If we can show them compassion and understanding at those times, we can teach them by example some of the most essential ingredients of a happy life: the capacity to love others unconditionally, the willingness to offer help and express empathy at all times, and not just at those times when others are making life easy for us. If we can teach this to our children, we have given our child a priceless gift, one that will continue through the generations. As Rick Lahrson, Director of the Portland, Oregon Kids Project, once wrote, "Misbehavior in children is an attempt to communicate, when all else has failed. Children have a drive to love other people and to be a contribution to the people around them. It is time for all children to be recognized as the magnificent people they are, and accorded the dignity and respect that is due every human being. We must establish a new way of seeing children."

"The birch is used only out of bad temper and weakness, for the birch is a servile punishment which degrades the soul even when it corrects, if indeed it corrects, for its usual effect is to harden." 

- Saint John Baptiste de La Salle, On the Conduct of Christian Schools, 1570

This is a note to the many parents who defend spanking on the basis of their religious beliefs. I find this argument mystifying, as love is defined in the Bible as being patient and kind¹. Hitting a child is neither patient nor kind, and does not accomplish the true goal intended. It only produces feelings of anger, resentment, and low self-esteem, not the genuine willing cooperation the parent seeks. Adults too would cooperate with someone who threatened or hit them, but they would do so only through fear, and only if the other person held more power. Genuine cooperation comes from the heart. The only cooperation worth having is that which is given freely by a child, not because he has been frightened into obedience, but because he feels loved, respected, and understood, and consequently wants to treat his parents with love and respect in return.

Sometimes parents justify spanking by saying they do it only when they are "calm". Although I wish no parent ever hit a child, I would prefer to hear that they spank only when they are angry; at least that would make some logical sense to the child, and be consistent with what he is learning about human nature. If a parent is indeed "calm", then he should be able to think clearly enough to discover more creative and positive ways to resolve a problem.

All punishment is emotionally dangerous and mind-warping. Associating so-called "love" with the deliberate infliction of pain is deeply confusing to a child, because children know in their hearts that love and pain are inconsistent. This kind of confusion, if experienced often enough, can lead to masochistic, sadistic, or other pathological behavior in adulthood, in which love and pain are associated - hence the strange "spankings wanted" personal ads in some newspapers.

It may be helpful to consider the most common reasons a child "misbehaves"²:

• The child is trying to fulfill a legitimate need which has been ignored too long. She may be hungry, thirsty, overtired, or may simply need a reassuring hug, or some undistracted respectful listening. Such needs can be met easily if the child has not had to wait too long (indeed most children are surprisingly patient), but if continually postponed, can lead to a lengthy conflict, with tantrums, crying, hitting, and other kinds of misbehavior. The proverb that "a stitch in time saves nine" is most apt in parenting.

• The child lacks information. An infant reaches for a hot object because she does not yet know about such hazards; a toddler "takes" an item in a store because he is simply too young to understand about stealing; a child runs into a street because he doesn’t fully understand the dangers. If a child misbehaves due to a lack of information, it is our responsibility to provide this, not the child’s responsibility to know something he does not know. It is unfair and ineffective to punish a child because she lacked information, and a punished child will be too distracted with feelings of anger, resentment, and fantasies of revenge to learn the lesson intended. In this way, punishment diverts the child’s attention from the matter at hand, and thus interferes with learning - at precisely the best time for this learning to take place.

• The child is emotionally upset or physically distressed. He may be frightened, angry, confused, jealous, disappointed, or he may have other intense feelings because of whatever happened just prior to the misbehavior. He may be misbehaving because of the discomfort of an impending illness or the high histamine levels associated with allergy. It is not really so difficult to understand the reasons for a child's (or an adult's) behavior if we simply put ourselves in their place. Children are not an alien species; just like adults, they all behave as well as they are treated.

If we try to change a child's behavior without attending to these natural, universal, and understandable feelings and needs, we do not help the child, because the underlying problem has not been dealt with. Consequently, the child learns nothing about how to handle similar problems in the future. There is no specific information in a spanking, and any verbal direction - constructive or not - that is given at the time cannot be heard by a frightened, angry, and resentful child. The most timely opportunity for the child to learn something important has been lost.

Simply forcing a child, by means of our greater size and power, to meet our needs does not resolve the real issues which led to the behavior. The unwanted behavior - or another kind of misbehavior - will recur until the child's legitimate needs are met, her feelings are understood and accepted, and she feels truly loved and secure.

It is inevitable that sometimes the child's needs will conflict with our own, but this is not the child's fault any more than when the needs of two adults conflict. The difference is that parents are in a position of superior power which they can - but should not - misuse. It is wrong and unfair for the strong to overcome the weak by force, and there are always alternatives. If we use our creativity, we can resolve conflicts in a positive and compassionate way. Indeed, any negativity or force in conflict resolution simply creates more conflict. Because of this, punishment and misbehavior can quickly escalate into a vicious cycle, with parent and child locked in a struggle for power. The parent, having more power by virtue of his size, parental role, and one-sided laws that protect adults - but not children - from physical aggression, can always win such a struggle, at least until the child reaches the teenage years and is physically strong enough to rebel.

The only message in punishment is rejection. The unbearable pain of being rejected by those who are so important to the child’s very survival will require him to deny his true feelings. As it is too painful to believe that a loved parent is deliberately hurting him, the child instead begins to believe that punishment is appropriate and proper behavior for a parent, that a child misbehaves because he is "bad", and that "bad" children deserve to be hurt. It is in this way that misconceptions about children's behavior and the proper way to respond to that behavior, continue through the generations.

As children learn most clearly by example, true loving guidance consists of patience, trust, acceptance, and understanding shown to the child by the parents. A child who is punished often enough may appear "cooperative" on the surface, but the hidden anger and resentment - unless it is directly recognized and dealt with - can accumulate over the years until the child feels strong enough to express it to those who have hurt him; angry teenagers do not fall from the sky. Then the parents give up on "discipline" because it no longer "works". But kind parents who treat their children with respect, understanding, and patient explanations find that this "method" continues to work - through infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, the teenage years, and beyond into adulthood. When the parent in later years is in need of care, the child will then happily return the love and assistance he was given in childhood.

We can feel confident that the kindnesses we show to our children when they are young will return to us tenfold. Sadly, we can also be confident that punishment will convey continued anguish to future generations.

In a recent essay on a family website, a mother related an incident that she felt she had not handled well. She had been hugging her husband in the living room, and their toddler son came over to them and bit her on the leg. She picked him up, but worried that she was reinforcing the biting. She then told him "in a soft-spoken but firm voice", that "you cannot bite people. It hurts them. You hurt my leg when you bit me. Please do not bite again." Three days later she saw it this way:

"I can finally see what I should have done. I should have been firm and consistent from the outset, not letting guilt or anger warp my direction. I should have gotten down face-to-face with him - not picking him up - and told him firmly never to bite again. Then I should have left him alone, not in anger or abandonment, but in gravity, to let the message sink in. I can see it clearly now -- but in the whirl of split-second decision making and the error of guilt I bungled."

Yet both of her responses - the one she employed and the one she wished she had used - left me with some troubling questions: How can a parent ignore her own feelings of guilt and anger? Could she have honestly expressed the anger she felt from being physically hurt? Does refusal to pick up a child who is obviously upset give him the message that he will be loved only when he is "good"? Will he learn to have compassion and understanding for others who are having "bad" feelings? How can one "leave alone" a child without "abandoning" him? Is she rationalizing her actions by doublespeak? And, most important, what has she learned from this incident? And what has he learned? The next time her son bites her, will she be able to talk with him about the angry, jealous feelings which led to the biting? Will he know how to communicate those feelings in a way that will help him to have his needs met? I agree that parents should be consistent and try to avoid giving confusing messages to our children. But what should we be consistent about? What are the most helpful messages we should give?

One of the most important principles of parenting is that the feelings behind a child’s behavior must be recognized, accepted, understood, and openly dealt with, before the behavior can change. Until that happens, the unwanted behavior - or behavior even less welcome to the parent - will only continue. How could it be otherwise? It is the same with adults, after all. If we "misbehave" toward our partner, but he or she makes no effort to understand and accept the feelings which brought about that behavior, and doesn’t hear the message we are trying to send, we will continue to try to express those feelings in the same, or even less effective and less welcome ways.

The mother’s first reaction, to pick up her son and tell him gently not to bite, and her second reaction, to leave him alone, may have been well-intended, but they are both incomplete and ineffective. Discipline, whose Latin root means "to teach", is not about rewarding or punishing; it is about helping the child to learn new skills. Appropriate, loving, and effective messages to a "misbehaving" child have three elements:

• Reassuring the child that his feelings are important, and have been heard and taken seriously, through full, loving attention. Without this message, he will feel rejected and misunderstood, and those feelings will only lead to further unwanted behavior.
   
• Informing the child that the behavior in question is not the best way to have his needs met. Without this message, he will miss important, valid learning about the needs of others.
   
• Modeling the preferred behavior to show the child what more appropriate and effective behavior would look like, so that in the future he can have his needs met in an easier and more productive way. Without this message, he will be limited to the same behaviors he has already tried, and little will change.

With all three elements in mind, the mother in our story may have picked up her son and said "Ouch! No biting - that hurts! I can see that you’re upset, but I want you to use words, not teeth: "Mommy, I want a hug too." Even if the child is too young to repeat the words or to remember to use them next time, repeated reminders like this will eventually give him new and better tools to use in having critical needs met.

When we are careful to respond with all three elements in place, we give these underlying messages: "All human beings have feelings. Feelings are not "good" or "bad"; they are normal, valid, and important. I love you enough to stop and really pay attention to what it is you’re trying to tell me, in the only way you can tell me in this moment, at this age, and in these circumstances. I do not like being bitten any more than you would like it. At the same time, I understand that you would not have done this unless you were feeling angry/ sad/ upset/ worried/ disturbed about something. I take your needs and feelings seriously, and I’ll help you to find better ways to express your feelings so that everyone’s needs are met."

Such an approach is the most effective, and indeed the only way to ensure that unwanted behavior will change for the better, long-term. In the story we began with, biting was clearly the only means this child had at his disposal at that moment, with all of his previous experience and his current feelings and needs, to try to communicate something important to his mother. Reacting solely to the behavior, while ignoring the feelings behind it, is a common response by parents who were treated this way in their own childhood. It’s time to make changes.

One of our Natural Child Project Parenting Cards^© sums it up this way: "Look past the behavior... what is your child feeling?" When we focus on a child’s needs and feelings, rather than the specific behavior we wish to change, we can then truly communicate our love for our child. That the behavior will then improve is almost a side issue. As Mozart wrote, "Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." It is also the soul of parenting.

Canadian psychiatrist and child advocate Dr. Elliott Barker is the founder/director of the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (CSPCC) and editor of the quarterly journal Empathic Parenting (no longer in publication). His compassion, insight and zeal have helped parents and professionals world-wide to understand the critical need for treating children with trust and respect.

In the late 60’s and early 70’s, Dr. Barker was the Assistant Superintendent and Clinical director at a maximum security hospital for the "dangerous mentally ill" in Ontario. His experiences there with psychopathic patients and their memories of early childhood cruelty led him to focus on the prevention of child abuse. As he explains, "It is generally accepted that psychopaths are at best very difficult to treat. But we know how to prevent the 'diseases of non-attachment', as Selma Fraiberg called them. Parents generally seem oblivious to that knowledge. So we founded the CSPCC to make that knowledge better known to parents-to-be."  

To that end, the CSPCC published the highly-regarded quarterly journal Empathic Parenting for 25 years (1978-2003). Although the journal will no longer be published, CSPCC will continue to educate parents through its website at empathicparenting.org. Dr. Barker plans to make the site "user-friendly to elementary, secondary and college students to get the best information possible on child-rearing in the early years. Our goal has always been to reach people before they have kids, and the website, as a source for school assignments, may well do more than the journal. We also hope to have all issues of Empathic Parenting available via the Internet." 

The website, like the journal, will continue to emphasize the dangers of consumerism and its effects on children. As Dr. Barker sees it, "In the 70’s, the world seemed hell-bent for daycare and by the 90’s daycare seemed almost normative - though insane. I’m not optimistic about any real improvement for kids society-wide until consumerism is exposed for what it is and some sort of brakes put on it. The priorities of parents with young children are powerfully altered in the direction of getting the goods and services marketed as necessary and desirable, and parents are driven to overvalue social status and careerism. The values of consumerism are envy, selfishness and greed. Such values are inimical to the altruism required to care for helpless little infants and toddlers."

To avoid the temptations of a consumer society, Dr. Barker offers the following recommendations:

• Raise a child whose emotional needs are met so that there is a well developed capacity for affectionate relationships and little need for a compensating craving for things and thrills.
   
• Seek out a circle of like-minded people - existing organizations, intentional communities etc. The Internet is making connections between individuals and small groups of like-minded people possible as never before.
   
• Seek out non-commercial spaces (parks, YMCA etc.) and genuinely fun non-commercial activities (sports, cards etc.)
   
• Cultivate an awareness of and an allergy to all types of advertising - stealth advertising, "free" this and that, etc.
   
• Avoid as much advertising as possible - TV, radio, flyers, newspapers, magazines. Is the content worth the price of exposure?
   
• Avoid stores and malls as much as possible.
   
• In a practical sense, the world would place an appropriate value on child-rearing - reflected in the status accorded parenting - financially and in every other way. Every town would have an organization as motivated as the Chamber of Commerce to promote the best for its children.
   
• Prior to conception parents-to-be would be as knowledgeable about what is important in rearing a child as they are now of things like their favorite sports, music, cars, fashion etc.

When asked to give just one piece of advice to an expectant couple, Dr. Barker replied, "By the time a child is on the way it's mostly too late, in the sense that the parents’ priorities are too established to alter much. They're locked into their expectations of a standard of living and what is valuable to them (usually without realizing it, like fish in water) - accepting their views as immutable and into which the child must fit. In a philosophical sense, perhaps infants and toddlers should be treated more like powerful little messengers from another world from whom we are meant to learn."

I was recently asked about the book The Nurture Assumption, and the argument that peers, and not parents, are most responsible for who children become.

I'll start with an excerpt from a wonderful article on the origins of teenage rebellion, "The Relationship Between Feelings and Behavior " by Dr. Sidney Craig:

"If we want our children to spend time with us, to like us, to confide in us, to value some of the things we value, and to try to make us happy (for example, by refraining from the use of dangerous drugs), we must behave toward them in ways that create feelings of love toward us rather than feelings of dislike or anger. We cannot reasonably expect to receive 'good' behavior from our children unless we create 'good' feelings in them."

Because it is so painful, often too painful, for an adult to recognize and remember the pain of betrayal in infancy and early childhood, he/she can easily fool themselves into self-deception. They'll blame anything outside themselves rather than face the painful truth. In her landmark article "Childhood Trauma", Alice Miller explains:

"...information about the cruelty suffered during childhood remains stored in the brain in the form of unconscious memories. For a child, conscious experience of such treatment is impossible. If children are not to break down completely under the pain and the fear, they must repress that knowledge. But the unconscious memories of the child who has been neglected and maltreated, even before he has learned to speak, drive the adult to reproduce those repressed scenes over and over again in the attempt to liberate himself from the fears that cruelty has left with him."

Early childhood is the starting point for all love and for all cruelty in later years. To the degree that an infant/child has been given compassion, they will pass it on to others in the future. There's a Swedish saying, "man far den respekt man ger": "one gets the respect one gives". Unfortunately the converse is also true, when we give disrespect (including all forms of punishment) to a child, we breed disrespect, anger, and retaliatory impulses within that child that will be passed on to others later.

Here is an analogy: compassionate early parenting is like a well-built boat, protecting the child from the sea of all subsequent disappointments, temptations, frustrations, and sorrows. Blaming teenage crime on peer pressure (or video games, movies, music, clothing, the Internet, the media, or anything else in current culture), is like blaming a storm for overturning a child's poorly-built boat. We know that there will always be storms in our children's lives. There will always be temptations, disappointments, sorrows, even tragedies. Their ability to cope with these events is what really matters. Do they have a strong enough boat, or do they have a boat with holes? Do they have any boat at all, or have they been put to sea without any protection? And when they drown, do we blame the wind and the rain, the wake of passing motorboats, and the clutching hands of their boatless peers, or do we start building better boats for all of our children?

Let me use my son Jason as an example. Because he has been treated with love, compassion, and trust from birth, he is riding over the sea of life in a very sturdy boat. I find it difficult to imagine any circumstance or experience that would lead him to an inhumane action, because he would simply withstand any such attempts. I will go even further and say that he would not only withstand them, he would put every effort into helping his peers to have their relevant emotional needs met in a more sane and healthy way. I've seen him do this.

Because of the pain of recognizing the hurt and disappointment in our own childhood, we'll blame anything else to avoid feeling that sorrow. But the truth is as simple as a bumper sticker I once saw: "A happy childhood lasts forever."

 We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready.

We ask an infant to keep quiet. We ask a 2-year-old to sit still. We ask a 4-year-old to clean his room. In all of these situations, we are being unrealistic. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting up the child for repeated failures to please us. Yet many parents ask their young children to do things that even an older child would find difficult. In short, we ask children to stop acting their age.

2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs.

A child can only do what he can do. If a child cannot do something we ask, it is unfair and unrealistic to expect or demand more, and anger only makes things worse. A 2-year-old can only act like a 2-year-old, a 5-year-old cannot act like a 10-year-old, and a 10-year-old cannot act like an adult. To expect more is unrealistic and unhelpful. There are limits to what a child can manage, and if we don’t accept those limits, it can only result in frustration on both sides.

3. We mistrust the child’s motives.

If a child cannot meet our needs, we assume that he is being defiant, instead of looking closely at the situation from the child’s point of view, so we can determine the truth of the matter. In reality, a "defiant" child may be ill, tired, hungry, in pain, responding to an emotional or physical hurt, or struggling with a hidden cause such as food allergy. Yet we seem to overlook these possibilities in favor of thinking the worst about the child’s "personality".

4. We don’t allow children to be children.

We somehow forget what it was like to be a child ourselves, and expect the child to act like an adult instead of acting his age. A healthy child will be rambunctious, noisy, emotionally expressive, and will have a short attention span. All of these "problems" are not problems at all, but are in fact normal qualities of a normal child. Rather, it is our society and our society’s expectations of perfect behavior that are abnormal.

5. We get it backwards.

We expect, and demand, that the child meet our needs - for quiet, for uninterrupted sleep, for obedience to our wishes, and so on. Instead of accepting our parental role to meet the child’s needs, we expect the child to care for ours. We can become so focussed on our own unmet needs and frustrations that we forget this is a child, who has needs of his own.

6. We blame and criticize when a child makes a mistake.

Yet children have had very little experience in life, and they will inevitably make mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of learning at any age. Instead of understanding and helping the child, we blame him, as though he should be able to learn everything perfectly the first time. To err is human; to err in childhood is human and unavoidable. Yet we react to each mistake, infraction of a rule, or misbehavior with surprise and disappointment. It makes no sense to understand that a child will make mistakes, and then to react as though we think the child should behave perfectly at all times.

7. We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child.

Many parents are coming to understand that physically hurting a child is wrong and harmful, yet many of us forget how painful angry words, insults, and blame can be to a child who can only believe that he is at fault.

8. We forget how healing loving actions can be.

We fall into vicious cycles of blame and misbehavior, instead of stopping to give the child love, reassurance, self-esteem, and security with hugs and kind words.

9. We forget that our behavior provides the most potent lessons to the child.

It is truly "not what we say but what we do" that the child takes to heart. A parent who hits a child for hitting, telling him that hitting is wrong, is in fact teaching that hitting is right, at least for those in power. It is the parent who responds to problems with peaceful solutions who is teaching his child how to be a peaceful adult. So-called problems present our best opportunity for teaching values, because children learn best when they are learning about real things in real life.

10. We see only the outward behavior, not the love and good intentions inside the child.

When a child’s behavior disappoints us, we should, more than anything else we do, "assume the best". We should assume that the child means well and is only behaving as well as possible considering all the circumstances (both obvious and hidden from us), together with his level of experience in life. If we always assume the best about our child, the child will be free to do his best. If we give only love, love is all we will receive.

This is intended for those who want to be "certified". Feel free to print this out for yourself or a friend.

Certificate of Empowerment

As bearer of this certificate you are no longer required to depend on the advice of experts. You may step back and view the entire world-not just your home, neighborhood or town, but the whole Earth-as a learning experience, a laboratory containing languages (and native speakers thereof), plants, animals, history, geology, weather (real live weather, in the sky, not in a book), music, art , mathematics, physics, engineering, foods, human dynamics, and ideas without end. Although collections of these treasures have been located in museums for your convenience, they are to be found everywhere else, too.

This authorizes you to experiment; to trust and enjoy your kids; to rejoice when your children surpass you in skill, knowledge or wisdom; to make mistakes, and to say "I don't know." Furthermore, you may allow your children to experience boredom without taking full responsibility for finding them something to do.

Henceforth you shall neither be required nor expected to finish everything you start. Projects, books, experiments and plans may be discontinued as soon as something more interesting comes along (or for any other reason) without penalty, and picked up again at any time in the future (or never).

You may reclaim control of your family's daily life, and take what steps you feel necessary to protect your children from physical, emotional or social harm.

You have leave to think your own thoughts, and to encourage your children to think theirs.

Each person who reads and understands this is authorized to extend these privileges to others, by reproducing and distributing this certificate or by creating another of his/her own design. Those who don't feel the need to obtain approval to experiment, to think, or to do things they've never seen others do are exempt, as they didn't need permission in the first place.
Unschooling the Gifted Child: Defining the Challenge from Within

by Lisa Rivero

What does it mean to unschool a gifted child?
The question isn't nearly as simple as it sounds. Like beauty, the meaning of the question will depend in large part on how we understand the terms: What does it mean to unschool at all? Aren't all children gifted? In the home, don't labels such as "gifted" lose their meaning?

As the parent of a home-educated gifted child, I do believe that unschooling gifted children is different in some important ways from unschooling in general, and I do know that the gifted child comes with personality and learning differences that result in special needs. Just as for other children, unschooling can be the optimal educational environment for the gifted child, but only if those special needs are acknowledged and understood.

Gifted by Any Other Name

The word "gifted" is fraught with emotion and controversy, especially if people equate "gifted" with "special." All children are special. All children have talents. "Talented" is the preferred word among many educational professionals these days, but "talented" does not adequately describe the gifted child's true nature and makes me think of talent shows with scrubbed, smiling faces and big blue ribbons--a not entirely benign misrepresentation. Perhaps "gifted" does not adequately describe these enigmatic children either, but other phrases such as "high ability children," "intellectually talented children," and "highly intelligent children" serve us no better and are certainly less graceful from a writer's standpoint. It's interesting that the use of the word "homeschooling" is similarly problematic, with "home schooling," "home learning," "world learning," "community-based education," and "unschooling" some of the alternatives. But these terms are not true synonyms. Like the Eskimos' xxx words for white, each term carries with it a slightly different meaning.

I have finally decided that "gifted" is as good a term as any other perhaps precisely because of its ambiguity. Gifted students are, after all, by no means a homogeneous group. Gifted students may be obviously above grade level in most or all subjects or may struggle to learn to read at age seven. They may be reflective in thought, giving the impression of being "slow," or they may be impulsive, making them seem flighty. They may be physically strong or stereotypically bookish. \

What sets apart the gifted child from his classmates is his intensity and insight, his self-determination and drive to learn about his world, his perfectionism and sensitivity. These traits are intricately and magically woven into one complete and complex child who may or may not achieve according to the world's timetable or standards.

Who Is the Gifted Child?

According to Ellen Winner, author of Gifted Children: Myths and Realities, gifted children, from an early age, exhibit these three traits: 1. Precociousness, 2: A Rage to Master, and 3. A Creative Nature. To these I would add a fourth, Overexitability. Together these four traits are what make unschooling a gifted child a unique but joyful challenge.

1. Precociousness. Whether it is talking, reading or addition, the gifted child will learn on her own at a rate faster than predicted by normal time tables (even if she doesn't know here times tables by fourth grade!). This does not mean that all gifted children learn to read early or can add at age four, but there are some areas in which the child is significantly ahead of age peers. For some children this precociousness will be most notable in the area of language. For others it will be numbers or spatial relationships or inter- and intrapersonal communications.

For the unschooling family, it is important for parents to understand that this does not necessarily mean that they are pushing their child! It also means that the scaffolding that all unschooling parents provide is often at a different level and intensity. A "normal" day of answering questions and probing intrinsic interests will often leave you exhausted and overwhelmed.

For example, when our eight-year-old son became interested in politics and government because of the 2000 presidential campaign, his questions ranged from the supreme court appointments to the history of political parties, from the difficulties faced by third-party candidates to issues of human rights and capital punishment and gun control. His need to know the world in which he lives was intense, but as a parent, I also had to keep in mind his relatively young age and sensitive nature. Books about government and politics written for his age level do not adequately address the questions he was asking, but books that do address the questions are designed for older children who have a firmer grasp of some of the more unpleasant realities of the world. Helping him to learn what he wants and needs to learn in an age-appropriate way is often my greatest challenge.

2. A Rage to Master. Howard Rowland writes in No More School: An American Family's Experiment in Education that his son Seth was, like most children, "predisposed to learn, but unlike most, he was self-propelled." In very young children who are free to explore the world around them, their self-propulsion automatically guides and regulates their curiosity, but this challenge from within is then hindered and threatened by the structure of classroom education.

From this perspective, the problem of providing appropriate challenge--the buzzword of gifted education programs--is a problem that we create by constantly directing children's interests. This is a problem for all children, but the gifted child feels it and often fights it to a greater degree.

Unschoooling parents can find ways to encourage the gifted child to recognize and use his sense of self-determination, to see himself as "inner-directed" rather than "stubborn" or "controlling." They can also realize that the gifted child will challenge authority, may have little concern for the opinions of adults, and may be unaffected by the use of rewards and punishments. Knowing how to use these characteristics as strengths rather than weaknesses then becomes a large part of the unschooling challenge.

3. Creativity. I believe that all children are creative. We all have the ability to produce novelty, to think is new ways, to forge new paths and fashion new combinations. What is different about the gifted child is that creativity is more infused with the whole being, harder to "turn off," and more of a challenge to understand and accept.

Children who are highly creative usually score lower than their less creative peers on standardized tests. This is because highly creative children are drawn to the unusual answer, not the "correct" one. They will see novel possibilities in otherwise straightforward questions. They are the students who cannot follow step-by-step instructions without embellishment, interpretation and revision, much to the dismay and frustration of the adults around them!

Unschooling truly celebrates the creative nature of the gifted child. Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi, author of Flow and Creativity, writes that creative individuals seek to move beyond dichotomies such as introvert and extravert, or fantasy and reality. Rather, creative people embody seemingly mutually exclusive traits, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes in alternation, causing much confusion and misunderstanding on the part of parents and teacher. In the unschooling environment, a child has no need to fit a mold or to "live up" to who we think she should be. She can simply be, in all her dimensions of complexity.

4. Overexcitability.
Finally, the gifted child is an over excitable child. According to Kazimierz Dabrowski, these overexcitabilities can be psychomotor (fast talking, love of fast sports, "acting up"), sensual (heightened senses such as taste, touch or hearing), intellectual (love of intellectual word games, puzzles or reading, introspection), imaginational (daydreaming, intense and prolonged fantasy life, dramatic reactions), and emotional (cries and laughs easily, sense of empathy, embarrassment and anxiety).

This is the area that has the most impact on a gifted child's relationship to the world around him. Parents of gifted children may have to look harder for friends who understand and accept their child's intense nature. And overexcitable children are well served by being aware their often extreme reactions and emotions. Only through acceptance and understanding can they eventually less overwhelmed by their very selves.

Bibliotherapy--using books to address everyday problems and issues--is a wonderful tool of emotional development for the unschooling family. Parents can look for books that portray overexcitable characters, such as Rosemary Wells's Shy Charles (emotional) or Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time (sensual and imaginational).

Perhaps the greatest gift an unschooling parent of a gifted child can offer is time. By doing away with traditional notions of grade levels and artificial standards of achievement and progress, the gifted child need not accelerate through grades in order to stay challenged. David Elkind, author of Miseducation: Preschoolers at Risk, argues that gifted children may actually need a prolonged period of self-discovery, what we normally think of as a child-centered preschool or kindergarten environment, but at a higher level. The child naturally finds and chooses the level of learning--high or low--at which he is comfortable, which will surely change by the day.

Unschooling is radical deceleration for gifted children in the sense that no one else's foot is on the gas pedal and the children are given back the steering wheel. They have the control and freedom to speed up or slow down, to back up to revisit favorite spots and to meander along a country road before zooming past vast landscapes, to forge their own paths through uncharted wilderness, or to stop completely for awhile just to enjoy the view.

If we're lucky and resist the temptation to be backseat drivers, we'll be invited to ride along.
[Adapted from Gifted Education Comes Home: A Case for Self-Directed Homeschooling (Gifted Education Press, 2000) by Lisa Rivero and a manuscript in progress about creative homeschooling. Lisa Rivero is a writer who specializes in issues of gifted education and home education, and she is the parent of a self-directed home-educated son.]

Jan Hunt, M.Sc., is a parenting counselor, the Director of the Natural Child Project and Editorial Assistant of the Canadian journal Empathic Parenting. She is also an advisor to Attachment Parenting International, Child Friendly Initiative, and Northwest Attachment Parenting.

Her parenting column, "The Natural Child" ran for nine years in the Canadian magazine Natural Life, and she has published numerous articles in other periodicals.

Jan's first book, The Natural Child: Parenting from the Heart, was published in December 2001 by New Society. Jan is the parent of a 21-year-old son who homeschooled from the beginning with a learner-directed approach. Jan and her family live in central Oregon.